Art or Comedy or Both

My Generation (Not the Who Song) - Song# 51

2010-02-26T12:10:00.003-06:00

My Generation (Not the Who Song) by Rich Baker

Born in 81 we like to have fun
Played video games and watched reruns
Our lives are hectic. Our tastes eclectic
We prefer not to call just send a text

We are Generation Y. Watched Tanya Harding Cry
Ninja turtles, Kurt Cobain, and Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes
OJ on the run. Bill Clinton
Our first crush was Pamela Anderson

(Chorus)
This is my generation
We're hard to define
We believe in different things
We never have enuff time

We play games on our iphones game on our desktops
Everyone of us have seen an episode of cops
We had pagers and then we got cells
Our parents like to go to the Wisconsin Dells

(Chorus)
This is my generation
That's how we roll
We like to play games
Collect $200 when we pass go

We live off credit cards. Hang out in bars.
We pushed America to drive in Hybrid cars.
We need to be entertained. We like to tease our brains.
When celebs hook up we combine their names

We don't go to mass. We have no middle class
George W. Bush was a dumbass
Born with the rubix cube. We watch Youtube
We watch Comedy Central for our news

We have constant media. Get our smarts from Wikipedia.
I'm IMing you digitally meeting ya
The Matrix spun around. Careers jump around
We're always working out trying to lose some pounds

(Bridge)
We like all kinds of music
Some drink alcohol others abuse it
We fist bump when we greet each other
We're rebels who still call and talk to our mothers

(Chorus)
This is my generation
Figure us out
We don't know what we're saying
But we don't whisper we shout!

My Generation
My Generation

The Python Waltz - Song# 50

2010-02-26T11:43:00.002-06:00

The Python Waltz by Rich Baker

I want a pet that is cool
I want a pet that is awesome
I want a pet that is different
Like a rabbit, a spider or a possum

My roommate's allergic to dogs
He's also allergic to cats
So I'm going to get the coolest animal
It slithers and it eats rats

(Chorus)
My python.
My snake of choice.
Still awesome
But safe for little girls and boys

People will wonder why
Why on earth would you get this?
I'd play with my python a lot
And cuddle and play and kiss

(Chorus)
My python
Not too big not too small
Still awesome
Not poisonous at all

(Bridge)
You can take them out of their cage
Can't play fetch, but still can play
There's so many things a snake can do
Let them crawl all over you

(Chorus)
My python
Not a burmese
Still awesome
And that pleases me

Ghost Texts - Song# 49

2010-02-26T10:25:00.002-06:00

Ghost Texts by Rich Baker

Sometimes I miss the people who have died
When loved ones go we usually cry
Seems like we never get to say our goodbyes
What if it wasn't over. What a surprise.

Just to talk to the departed would be great
Tell me about the beyond. What is my fate?
Send me your words all the way from heaven
Send it to my phone in a text message

(Chorus)
Ghost Texts
Texts from the grave
Ghost Texts
What will the dead say?

One hundred sixty characters is all you got
Send me your updates and your thoughts
What's Heaven like? Is God really tall?
Can you tell me the future? Tell me it all.

(Chorus)
Ghost texts
Texts from a ghost
Ghost texts
Send me a blog post

(Bridge)
I wanna hear from you even though you're gone
Send me a smiley ghost face emoticon
Ask me how I'm doing or send me a quote
I don't care as long as I get a text from a ghost

(Chorus)
Ghost texts
I just wanna read
Ghost texts
Not from a zombie
Your hands can't touch the screen
Ghost texts
Make them haunting
Ghost texts!

Fighting Crime (A Love Song) - Song# 48

2010-02-24T03:11:00.000-06:00

Fighting Crime (A Love Song) by Rich Baker

Put on your crazy color tights
Let’s go out patrolling tonight
Maybe we’ll find crime and bust some heads
And go back home and cuddle in bed

Get in the car and drive around town
Criminals fear us as we make them frown
Halting their robberies and evil deeds
Then on to making out we will proceed

(Chorus)
So, let’s fight crime together
You get the capes. I’ll bring the masks.
After bashing in bad guys’ heads
We snuggle on the couch and relax

It would be so cooler than seeing a movie
Tandem kicking ass is the way it should be
We’ll punch in some faces while we hold hands
The tales of our heroics told across the lands

(Chorus)
So, let’s fight crime together
You get the weapons. I’ll grab the ropes.
Once we give those scum our rath
We go home and take a bubble bath

(Bridge)
Other couples have picnics and parties
Or take long walks by the river
We choose to save the innocent
And make all the underworld quiver

(Chorus)
So, let’s fight crime together
You get the smoke bombs, we’ll meet in the alley
And once the night is over
We’ll go home and watch When Harry Met Sally

You’re the toughest girl I know
When you punch it really smacks
If the zombies attack today
I want you joining my survivor pack

(Chorus)
So, let’s fight crime together
I’ll grab the bullet proof vests and the hook shooting guns
Then we’ll tie up the bad dudes for the police
In the morning for breakfast we’ll get honey buns

Let’s fight crime together
Let’s fight crime together

The Apocalypse Came When I Was Hanging A Poster - Song# 47

2010-02-21T04:49:00.001-06:00

The Apocalypse Came When I Was Hanging A Poster
by Rich Baker

I ordered a poster of Batman as drawn by Jim Lee
It came And I got excited. Yippeee!
The nerd in me jumped. It was so well drawn.
Now just to decide which wall to hang it on

After a few minutes I had decided
I hung it and then sat back and admired
Didn’t take much time. Five minutes tops.
But in that short time humanity was lost

No cars were running no voices made sound
I walked at my door. Started looking around
A jump rope lay still on the sidewalk
All was silent, no chatter. No talk

(Chorus)
The Apocalypse came when I was hanging a poster
Dunno what caused it
Everyone’s gone
Humanity lost it
Why am I still here? What did I miss?
Apparently, the apocalypse

Houses were standing so it wasn’t a bomb
No birds were chirping all was so calm
A shudder went thru me. A frightening sensation.
Was this the rapture like in revelations?

(Chorus)
The Apocalypse came when I was hanging a poster
No idea what went on
I’m the only one left
Everything is wrong
Why was I spared? Was there a solar eclipse?
What caused the apocalypse?

(Bridge)
No zombies or comets or volcanoes bursting
No famine or drought with everyone thirsting
No virus or suffering they just disappeared
All while I was hanging a poster…how weird.

(Chorus)
The apocalypse came while I was hanging a poster
And I cannot understand
Were they all taken by aliens?
Every woman and man?
Did the poster save me? Allow me to resist?
The sudden apocalypse

Now I have no friends to talk to and I’m so bored
But I own everything. I’m like the earth lord
I can travel anywhere from England to Japan
But wherever I go I’m bringing the poster of Batman!

(Chorus)
The apocalypse came while I was hanging a poster
I may never know why.
Is the poster magical and did it save me?
These questions I cannot deny?
There’s a lot of food allowing me to subsist
Make it thru the Apocalypse

The Arcade - Song# 46

2010-02-20T02:17:00.001-06:00

The Arcade by Rich Baker

I miss those days spent at the arcade
All day playing video games
Going up and down the aisles
My face would be a permanent smile

Smarter kids like libraries
Paying attention for me is a rarity
I need much more noise than all that
Fighting ninjas in Mortal Kombat!

For me the old arcades never failed
And I prefer them to the games that are handheld
Gimmie a button the size of a pepperoni
When Pacman eats the blinking dot he gets glowy

(Chorus)
In the arcade!
Life is a game
Never the same
I outta change my name
To king of the arcade!

If I’m Mario I’m a super plumber
And Dig dug needs to keep going under
In Off Road I can win money to buy new tires
When he dunks in NBA jam, “He’s on fire!”

(Chorus)
In the arcade!
We always played
Good times never fade
We wish we had stayed
To be the king of the arcade!

In Rampage can I destroy all of Japan?
How many robots can be beat by Mega Man?
Pitfall features a dashing crusader
We need to blow up all the Spaced Invaders

You can only punch Mike Tyson in the head
You need to duck or get eaten in House of the Dead
When it comes to pinball you can never go wrong
Avoid the barrels thrown by donkey Kong

Defend the earth from the aliens from Mars
Frogger needs to watch out for the cars
Arkanoid will use a ball to destroy the blocks
Shoot up the space battles with StarFox

(Chorus)
In the arcade!
To the Nintendo gods we prayed
Back then we weren’t concerned about getting laid
Time makes the memories start to fade
When we were kings of the arcade!

Tell Me How to Hit On You - Song# 45

2010-02-19T00:22:00.000-06:00

Tell Me How to Hit On You - by Rich Baker

Excuse me, ma'am. A moment please.
I need your opinion about my inquiries
Despite this lighting being dark
I noticed you from across the bar

I'd like to hit on you if I might
And hope that you'll wanna hangout tonight
But I have no idea what to say
Would you advise me if that's okay?

(Chorus)
Tell me how to hit on you
So I can do the best that I can do
I'd really like for my next line to work
So, just tell me how I should flirt

I know it's like telling someone what gift to buy
And thus it ruins all the surprise
Personally I'd rather just tell my friend
So that I get a great gift in the end

(Chorus)
Give me the words to talk to you
I'll do my best to make them sound new
Feed me some lines like Cyrano
I can't wait to see how this goes

I'm far from a poetic talking dude
And what I make up could come off rude
So, instead of me making it up and taking a chance
Just give me the magic words to get in your pants

(Chorus)
Say to me what I need to be all about
So we can move on to making out
I've got the delivery if you've got the lines
I won't say them to your chest but right to your eyes

(Bridge)
Just think about my proposition
This can be a straight forward decision
Aren't you sick of guys saying cheesy lines
With your words I'll sound sincere and kind

(Chorus)
Just let me know how to speak to you
I'll say them like they are completely true
If you tell me you'll know they'll be right
And then we could go home together tonight

Valentine’s Day is Just Another VD - Song# 44

2010-02-17T02:58:00.001-06:00

Valentine’s Day is Just Another VD by Rich Baker

I’d doing Valentine’s Day solo
And I just want you to know
That I think it’s pretty great
To live this day without a date

I’m alone of Valentine’s Day
All the girls can stay away
All I have to worry about is me
Valentine’s Day is just another VD

(Chorus)
Valentine’s Day is just another VD
Like all the rest, keep it away from me
Valentine’s Day is just another VD
Like all the rest, keep it away from me

No need to stand at a chocolate store for hours
No credit card payments online for flowers
No reservations at fancy restaurants
No concern about someone else’ wants

I’m not bitter about being alone
I’m quite happy to sit at home
I don’t have ‘Singles Awareness’ on my shirt
Or cry about my heart being hurt

(Chorus)
Valentine’s Day is just another VD
Like all the rest, keep it away from me
Valentine’s Day is just another VD
Like all the rest, keep it away from me

The pressure, the crowds, the frantic pace
The overcrowded places, it’s all a rat race
All the money spent to appease
Like Bon Jovi says, ‘love’s a social disease.’

(Bridge)
I’m not doggin on love, so don’t get me wrong
I’m happy for them, but in this song
It’s all about staying away from the dreaded VD
And I don’t think all that it makes anyone happy

Chorus x2

Tongue Twister - Song# 43

2010-02-15T01:10:00.001-06:00

ongue Twister by Rich Baker

Twisting twine twirls tween a twitter’s towel
At best he jest her rested chest would nest a vest upon a crested howl
To tear to take ten times too tuff to track too tall to tell
Heathon’s reasons breathe on seasons to cheapen treason down to hell

When one will wake was with white worms whisked in waspy water worn with work, but why?
There the thoughts the thirty-third thoughts they think therapy thins thumbs though they thunder high
Listen within wiccans in them is then quicken to piss in the glisten pig pin
By wrote the note would quote & float the boat to tote your throat would bloat in sin

Among the young with tongue had sun & run the dung that hung at dawn
The bell of hell would swell with smell & fell to quell the hell of tell as a pawn
Roderick brought a brick outta click with fodder sick & potter stick so small
Arrange the wage of rage to page the sage in cage or gage it at all

Hear the hate, the heat, heal the head of holy hurting hot heavy help holds heinous whores
Smell smacks small and smears the smegma smarter so smarter smut than before
What licks tricks to fix the six sick wics kicks the licks and dicks nicks picks
Of tried true trinity trails trophies trying trusting training traitor’s tricks

The mortar makes the shorter shakes the trembling trail of woes
Shells shoot the shame shorn from shocks and shakes the shambles of your lows
Resonates, hesitates, complicates, undulates, and wants to hate but shall remain
Toss the loss of cost to not and watch the shot the lost and moss of the abstain

Song for Your Birthday - Song #42

2010-02-13T16:25:00.000-06:00

Song for Your Birthday by Rich Baker

(Chorus)
This is a song for your birthday
This is your song
This is a song for your birthday
Your birthday song

Some years ago right on this day
You were born and people said, ‘hooray’
You got older that is clear
And ever since then once a year

We celebrate your birthday and that’s how it is
You’re allowed to do things that aren’t your normal biz
You can drink and party and eat lots of cake
And others around you can help you partake

(Chorus)
This is a song for your birthday
The one day you’re not wrong
This is a song for your birthday
Your birthday song
This is a song for your birthday
You can play ping pong
This is a song for your birthday
Your birthday song

(Bridge)
This ain’t earth day this is your birthday
Wear your favorite shirt day on your birthday
This is not a curse day. It’s your birthday
There are worse days than your birthday

(Chorus)
This is a song for your birthday
It’s not too long
This is a song for your birthday
Your birthday song

You are so special on this day
You can tell everyone to get out of your way
You can get drunk or break the law
You can perch on a wire like a bird and caw

(Chorus)
This is a song for your birthday
And you are strong
This is a song for your birthday
Your birthday song
This is a song for your birthday
Are you wearing a thong?
This is a song for your birthday
Your birthday song!

Stuck: The Ramblings of a Technophobe - Song# 41

2010-02-12T02:00:00.000-06:00

Stuck: The Ramblings of a Technophobe by Rich Baker

I don’t use a microwave just the stove
I don’t have an alarm clock, just hear the cock crow
Got no e-mail, just envelopes and stamps
Don’t have no sewing machine. I hand stitch my own pants

I won’t get on an airplane, only birds should take flight
I do have a television, but it’s black and white
No digital camera, just my own memory
I got no electric car just a scooter powered by my feet

(Chorus)
Keep away the gizmos
It’s all too scary for me
I’m proud to be stuck in the past
Not willing to embrace technology

I ain’t got no iPod I just hum to myself
Don’t have a Kendle, there are real books on my shelf
Don’t have any lamps. Candles burn light just fine
Ain’t got no plastic cups. I drink everything from a stein

(Chorus)

Don’t have a computer people treat me like I’m poor
When I go bowling I write down my own score
Don’t got no air conditioner I have Japanese fans
Don’t have no cell phone, just a string and some cans

(Bridge)
Technology will overtake us
Just you watch and see
Computers will be the death of us
Running on all that electricity
Life would improve if we regress
Uninvent it all. Power it all down.
No toasters, no email, no electric toothbrush
The whole world becomes an Amish town

(Chorus)

Vampirate! - Song#40

2010-02-11T02:58:00.000-06:00

Vampirate! by Rich Baker

What if a lady vampire was haunting one night
And a ship sailed to shore in her sight?
She planned to attack the crew, but to her surprise
She fell in love when she looked into the captain’s eyes

What if a pirate led his ship to a dock
And saw upon the shore a girl with an ethereal walk?
His plan to rape and pillage every girl he’d see
Ended when he saw her face and his heart skipped a beat

(Chorus)
This is what happens when a pirate and vampire fall in love
When treasure burying meets bloodthirsty
Like Captain Hook and Dracula hooking up
Oh what a phenomenal sight to see

A strange couple they made, but no one stared
With his sword and gun and her fangs all were scared
People crossed the street and moved away with trepidation
But they got in the finest restaurants without a reservation

He’d get drunk and shoot someone
She’d turn into a bat
He’d impale some dude with his sword
And she’d still be a bat

(Chorus)

They were truly in love smiling and holding hands
They would sail the seven seas and make life plans
They overcame the difficulties which came up often
After all it’s hard to make love inside a coffin

But time moved on and she was expecting
This half undead baby was going to need protecting
As it would not be delivered from the stork
Townsfolk might gather with torches and pitchforks

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
The baby was born with half a blue beard
And his own harem which for a baby was kinda weird
His father’s jondis and his mother’s allergy to the sun
By one year he could already seduce human women and fire a gun
Half hell spawn and half adventurer of the sea
He stayed away from garlic, baths, and water that was holy
He got a sweet movie deal. A Hollywood hit.
He was the badass half and half Vampirate

(Chorus)

I Beg You to Work - Song# 39

2010-02-09T23:38:00.001-06:00

I Beg You to Work by Rich Baker

Technology is great it helps us all
It washes our dishes and makes a phone call
I look at anything I want right on the net
But then there are times I live to regret

It’s early morning and I gotta get to work
To get to my job as a front desk clerk
The sun is out. I’m ready to depart
But after a few turns of the key the car won’t start

I turn once again and then another time
Nothing at all. Has the battery died?
No clue what to do, I yell something rude
I gotta leave right now, which means I’m screwed

(Chorus)
Please work. I’m begging you
To please work. I don’t know what to do
Just please work. I’m not at all mechanically inclined
Please work. I didn’t plan for extra time

Big meeting in an hour and I’m prepared
With my power point saved as far as I’m aware
I go to look at it on my hard drive
And my heart skips three beats as I struggle to survive

The computer’s not responding. Nothing clicks
I hit escape and enter and I’m starting to get sick
It’s completely frozen. Why the hell won’t you behave?
My only copy is on your hard drive not yet saved

(Chorus)
Please work. Just enuff for me to get what I need
You just gotta work. I really need you to proceed
No one thinks about what to do when you break down
We just take for granted that you’ll always be around.

(Bridge)
I need to clean the house and the vacuum bag explodes
I just used the bathroom and I stopped up the commode
My GPS stopped everything and now I’m so lost
My pen ran out of ink while writing down my thoughts
The dishwasher won’t do anything now I gotta do it by hand
The airplane engine’s failing we’ll crash on dry land
The grenade pin didn’t fire now I gotta kill him with my knife
All this breaking down technology is really running my life

(Chorus)
Please just work. Why do you break at all?
I need you to work. What do you mean a factory wide recall?
We need technology now, without it we can’t endure
We can’t go back to the 1800s that would be torture

Inside Jokes - Song#38

2010-02-09T16:30:00.000-06:00

Inside Jokes by Rich Baker

Inside jokes are great if you’re on the inside
No need for set up or premise just punchline
A fun moment that two or more can share
It bonds us and reminds us how we care

(Chorus)
The joke that we’re telling’s on the inside
You won’t get it no matter how we try
Inside jokes
Inside jokes

If you try to explain it you won’t succeed
You should know this before you proceed
But go ahead and watch the blank stare
It’s true when they say ‘You just had to be there.’

(Chorus)

And it seems cruel to tell one of these
Around someone else. Seems like a tease.
And you catch yourself saying almost like a command
‘No wait, you simply don’t understand.’

Of course they don’t, because it happened to you
For them it has no meaning. It’s not true.
It’s superfluous and completely unkind
And on that note here’s a list of some of mine:

(Bridge)
Who was that man with ‘Prime’ written on his butt?
It was about that actress, you know: Judy Garland?
Hmmm…I feel a bit thirsty. Sand
Oh man I walked right into that one. You’re so good.
“Maybe those others, but not us though.”
“Have you seen him with his shirt off?”
“Thank you, God for making Brian so attractive to women”
“Does anyone know what a best boy is?”
“I’m a little racist.”
Shooting pool, listening to Tom Petty.
One in each bedroom. One in the living room.
Undercovmo Policemo
Baker and Walker. The ladies can’t help themselves.
Batman, this is Plastic Man.
Duh, she’s my girl. That Jess, she’s my girl
Alpha Dogs – Rough!

Unless you’re one of just a small few
None of that had any meaning to you
Fun for me
Seems like a waste of time wouldn’t you agree?

(Chorus x2)

(Spoken over music)
By the way. Remember that time we heard that song by that guy who just sang about inside jokes that none of us got?

Sleep Is Underrate - Song#37

2010-02-09T01:51:00.000-06:00

Sleep Is Underrated by Rich Baker

Lotta people don’t sleep
And they say they’re okay
Maybe they’re made of stronger stuff than me
Cause I just needs me sleep

Staying awake for more than twenty hours
I start to lose all of my normal human powers
Thinking and laughing and comprehending
When I don’t sleep they’re all just pending

(Chorus)
Time for z’s
Time for sleep
If I don’t go to bed soon I may just weep
I need to lay down
I need to dream
This ain’t some elaborate scheme

Navy seals can stay awake for days
But me, I will fall into a haze
I can’t be too sleep deprived
I need the sandman to hurry and arrive

If I go too long things get intense
And I start losing my ability to make sense
Words jumbled and mumbled and klungled
Will humble schum bell mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…snore

(Chorus)
It’s time for peace
Time for quiet
My body may cause an internal riot
I want my mattress
I want my pillow
My consciousness is short like the actors in Willow

(Bridge)
I’m barely awake as it is
4AM and my mind is going
My thoughts disconnected
And my stupidity is showing

Out of Excuses - Song #36

2010-02-05T10:54:00.001-06:00

Out of Excuses – by Rich Baker

My gym is open 24 hours
So, I could go at any time
But I’m still out of shape
I’m out of excues

There’s a fresh produce stand
Right down the street
But I still eat peanut butter and jelly
I’m out of excuses

Cool fun places to hang out
All around my neighborhood
Here I am at home watching TV
I’m out of excuses

I’m home during the day
And I’m not even sick
But my room is still a crazy mess
I’m out of excuses

(Chorus)
Nothing to blame it on
It’s just all my fault
Nothing prevented me from doing it
I simply didn’t do it on my own

I came an hour late to our date
I knew exactly when it was
There was no fire on the train or a flooded sewer drain
I just left late just because

I didn’t come see your show at all
And I wasn’t in the hospital
I just didn’t get up and do it
No excuses

(Bridge)
Sometimes it’s just my fault
I was tired or lazy or just forgot
And no spiritual force stood in my way
I am really sorry to cause the dismay

(Chorus)
No one else did it. Just me.
No dog ate the homework. No disparity.
Whether to give effort a little or a lot
I simply chose to not

I Don’t Wanna Hold Your Baby - Song #35

2010-02-05T03:13:00.000-06:00

I Don’t Wanna Hold Your Baby by Rich Baker

I’m happy for you
I really am
You’re now a mother and father
New life just began

I’ve known you both for over six years
You can gloat all you want. It’s allowed.
A bundle of joy you two made
And you both look so pleased and proud

(Chorus)
But please don’t hand me your baby
I really don’t wanna hold the baby
Let’s call it an issue of safety
There’s no need for me to hold the baby

I can clearly see he’s adorable
He’s got his father’s mouth and his mother’s eyes
And I appreciate how great it is for you
You even think it’s cute when he cries

There are other things to talk about like sports and work
Other things to do like golf or cooking
Fine we can talk about the baby more
But I’m more like a window shopper – just looking

(Chorus)
I really don’t wanna hold that baby
I fear it like a dog with rabies
This could be construed as crazy
But I don’t need to hold your baby

(Bridge)
Babies are messy and make lots of noise
And if I get too close, I may destroy
His sense of calm and happy demeaner
And if I make him upset, he’ll become a screamer

(Chorus)
I’m just going to keep distance from your baby
I’ll treat it like a shy guy treats ladies
Or an insurance company treats a man who is eighty
And stay the hell away from that baby

The People At IHOP - Song# 34

2010-02-05T03:06:00.000-06:00

The People At IHOP by Rich Baker

2AM
Sitting in front of a plate of pancakes
Look around.
Who are those still awake?

When the bars are closed
And the shows are done
But you all don’t wanna sleep
Where ya gonna go for fun?

(Chorus)
At the IHOP
The International House of Pancakes
Open 24 hours
At the IHOP

Start in the corner. The table for two.
Likely a first or second date and they’re out of things to do
Each wants to invite the other over, but both wish to be discrete
So instead they prolong the night and order food they don’t wanna eat

(Chorus)
At the IHOP
Serve up some eggs and a side of love
They go all night long
At the IHOP

Seven college kids sit around a table with books out
Midterms and bacon and an all nighter going on
The treaty of Versailles and and Archduke Franz Ferdinand
They’re gonna drink coffee and hit the books until dawn

(Chorus)
At the IHOP
Feed your brain and your stomach
Caffeine keeps you awake
At the IHOP

Five guys with long hair each sitting with a girl
Their guitars and drums packed up in a van
They just rocked the club and now they’re hear to unwind
You gotta keep odd hours when you’re in a punk band

(Chorus)
At the IHOP
The syrup hits the right notes
And the groupies love the biscuits
At the IHOP

(Bridge)
The waitresses no just what to expect
The crazies, the drunks, and they get no respect
The hours are hard, but the tips are light
In what crazy world does this all seem right?

And there at a table sitting alone
The regular who’s name is quite well known
Every night the same space and the same order too
Without this ritual, he wouldn’t know what to do

(Chorus)
At the IHOP
Lonliness is tough
But not as tough as the gristle in the sausage
At the IHOP

The Invitation Song to Jennifer Love Hewitt - Song#33

2010-02-03T00:24:00.001-06:00

The Invitation Song to Jennifer Love Hewitt by Rich Baker

I know that you don’t know me at all
But head over heels for you I’ve fall…en
For that beautiful smile
I would run up to three miles…and that’s even in the winter

I think you hip and groovy
I even saw you in the Garfield movie
If you were a lead singer I’d be your drummer
And next year I’d love to be what you did last summer

(Chorus)
Cause I’m in love, love, love with Jennifer Love
I wanna do it, do it, do it, with J Love Hewitt
Cause I’m in love, love, love with Jennifer Love
I wanna do it, do it, do it, with J Love Hewitt

(spoken)
And by ‘do it’ I mean get married and care for you…and have sweaty, crazy, dirty lovemaking sessions

Ever since I saw you in Can’t Hardly Wait
I would sit at home alone in the dark with your picture and contemplate
How we could be together and really be alive
Let’s have two kids and a dog for our own Party of Five

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
So, if you’re looking for an average, unfamous, non-rich guy
Who’s in kinda good shape but by no means anything to brag about
But who’s funny and quirky and likes to play piano, but isn’t
A virtuoso, but more of an average musician like Rob Thomas
From Matchbox 20 – just kidding, Rob, you’re awesome – then
You should give me a chance

We were both born in Texas. You in Waco. Me in Fort Worth.
What I lack in length I make up for girth
I’m two years and five months younger than you according to imdb
So, if you like a nice guy who will make you laugh…

Then look no further, b/c if you’re reading this you’ve found me

(Chorus)

CEOh So Important - Song#32

2010-02-02T03:38:00.001-06:00

CEOh So Important by Rich Baker

I’m the CEO
I’m the president
This company is what I make of it

I’m important
I’m the man
I’m the one who sets out the business plan

I wear power suits
I take power lunches
Every morning I wake up and do a thousand crunches

I eat raw eggs
I make million dollar deals
I buy shoes that won’t slip on banana peels

(chorus)
I’m the CEO!
I’m the CEOh So important
I’m the CEO!
I’m the CEOh So important

Today I hired six people
Later I’ll fire three
Best be on your behavior when you’re talking to me

I ran seven miles
I drive a Porshe
I told my third wife that I’m gonna divorce her

A man tried to shoot me
But the bullets bounced off
I cause the Richter scale to shake when I cough

I healed a cripple
I killed a vampire too
I can talk with the animals when I go to the zoo

(chorus)
I’m the CEO!
I’m the CEOh so important
I’m the CEO!
I’m the CEOh so important

I waved to a girl today
Now she’s pregnant with a kid
The Discovery Channel talks about the things I did

I met Godzilla
And I punched him in the face
Everyone best back up out my personal space

I flew to Saturn
On my new desk chair
I vacation in the clouds with all the Care Bears

I turn into a werewolf
And then I eat babies
Come at me and I’ll bite you and give you rabies

(Chorus)
I’m the CEO!
I’m the CEOh so important
I’m the CEO!
I’m the CEOh so important

(bridge)
I worked hard to get where I am today
I stepped on dreams and hid the fact that I’m gay
I stabbed everyone I could right in the back
I’m a mutant duck with radioactive quack
I’ll take all the money I can get
And wager millions on a silly bet
I crush people’s hopes each and every hour
I am like He-Man I have the power

(chorus x2)
I’m the CEO!
I’m the CEOh so important
I’mt he CEO!
I’m the CEOh so important

Jesus Can't Skateboard - Song#31

2010-02-01T05:12:00.000-06:00

Jesus Can’t Skateboard by Rich Baker (punk-esque)

He healed the lame and cured the sick
Prophets of old would predict
The miracles were amazing that he performed
But as far as I know Jesus couldn’t skateboard

Born to a virgin that an angel fortold
Crucified by the government at 33 years old
He preached and fought for all that’s right
But he could not handle himself on a half pipe.

(Chorus)
Jesus can’t skateboard
They didn’t exist back in the day
Jesus can’t skateboard
But that’s still okay

(Bridge)
This news shouldn’t shatter your faith
It doesn’t make him less of deity
Buddha can’t surf and Mohammed don’t rollerblade
Although I heard Krishna can juggle with his feet

God in human form sent down from above
Sent to show men how to live and love
And it says that he knows everyone’s names
But he wouldn’t qualify for the x-games

If he tried to skate down a rail he might bust his head
And then that would be a good reason why Jesus wept
If he got hurt he could touch himself and heal
Based on his skateboarding skills Nike ain’t giving him a commercial deal

(Chorus)
Jesus can’t skateboard
He never learned growing up
Jesus can’t skateboard
And he knows whassup

It must be hard when God is your father
If Jesus could skateboard he could do it on water
Hanging out with Jesus would he show you a sign?
He would turn the Gatorade into wine

(Chorus)
Jesus can’t skateboard
He would never need to
Jesus can’t skateboard
Maybe if he attempted to
Jesus can’t skateboard
Would he wear knee pads?
Jesus can’t skateboard
But his dirt bike skills are quite rad

The Tony Bus - Song#30

2010-01-31T03:17:00.000-06:00

The Tony Bus by Rich Baker (Dance Club Song)

(Chorus)
I’m on the Tony Bus
I’m on the Tony Bus
Wheels go round and round
On the Tony Bus
I’m on the Tony Bus
I’m on the Tony Bus
Keep your hands and feet inside
Of the Tony Bus

The Tony bus pulls up to the 4 way stop sign
Sittin’ behind the wheel is Tony looking fine
Better get up on the bus if you wanna get a seat
If you’re not on the bus you’ll be walking on your feet

(Chorus)
It’s the Tony Bus
The funky Tony Bus
A party’s going on
On the Tony Bus
Hop on the Tony Bus
Jump on the Tony Bus
Tony is the driver
Of the Tony Bus

You wanna go hang with all the cool peeps
Don’t get on tired cuz we ain’t gonna sleeps
All the ladies get on and they look divine
Get your drink on and dance and have a good time

(Chorus)
On the Tony Bus
The freakin’ Tony Bus
You’re gonna dance your butt off
On the Tony Bus
The happy Tony Bus
The big ole Tony Bus
Let’s all get freaky
On the Tony Bus

(Bridge)
Tony is the man and everybody knows
On the Tony Bus, what Tony says goes
But he’s not a mean guy just wants to have fun
And the bus don’t stop until we see the sun

(Chorus)
On the Tony Bus!
The hella Tony Bus
Everyone is cool on the Tony Bus
The Tony Bus
The Tony Bus
No one sucks
On the Tony Bus

High Fives! - Song#29

2010-01-29T23:36:00.000-06:00

High Fives! by Rich Baker

(Chorus)
Hey there, new friend!
Let us high five.
Hey there ex-girlfriend.
We should high five.
Hey there celebrity
Can we high five?
Hi Mr. President.
An official high five.

It can be fun or neutral or mean nothing at all
You can do it in the board room or when you’re shooting ball
No need to worry. We all understand
It’s always okay to just slap hands.

Sometimes in life we don’t know the right thing to do
Should I hug this girl I just met when I say adieu.
Is a firm hand shake too much? That’s a hard call.
A wave or a bro’s hug? What’s the right protocol?

It’s so easy to do
And it’s always right
And has become acceptable
Even if you’re white

(Chorus)
Hey there Uncle Joe
Let us high five!
Hey there girl at Starbucks,
We can high five
It’s a sweet old lady
And we just high fived
A stranger at a bar when the team scored
It’s okay to high five!

Some girls are weird about hugging sometimes
And some won’t hug in front, only to the side
Some cultures bow and others kiss cheeks
If you don’t know what to do, just be discrete

Preempt the awkward and raise your right hand
Say something fun like, “Alright my man.”
No need to press noses or Eskimo kiss
The other alternative is to bump in your fists

(Chorus)
Hey there Mr. Mailman,
Let’s say ‘hi’ and high five
My neighbor taught his poodle
To paw up a high five
If I ever met Jesus
I bet we’d high five
And when the aliens come to greet us
I’ll try to high five

(Bridge)
Slap it! Shake it! Up or down!
Bump it! Nail it! Then lock it down!
Explode it! Implode it! Make your own sounds
Shoulder hit! Chest bump it! All over town.
There’re so many ways to greet
When people first meet
All variations and they’ll never be complete
I’m sure there are people who do it with their feet.

(Chorus)
Hey there corpse of John Wayne!
May we high five?
All you fictional characters,
Let’s all high five!
Guy who got his hand cut off
Let’s…elbow bump?
Boy in the bubble!
Understood high five!

Freezing/Sexy - Song #28

2010-01-28T23:56:00.000-06:00

Freezing/Sexy by Rich Baker

Twelve degrees outside
Winds blowing and no sun in sight
Puddles along the ground are solid ice
None of it seems right

Little bit of snot frozen below your nose
Teary eyes hit by wind are bloodshot
Skin is dry and pale beyond repair
In this weather, no one looks hot

(Chorus)
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
My hand’s the icy touch of death
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
When I speak you get to see my breath

I might have a body under these four coats
Or a nice head of hair you can’t see with my cap
With longjohns, wind pants, and underarmour
I couldn’t feel it if you sat on my lap

Come over here and lets hold mittens
Snowboots high up to our knees
I’ll lean in to kiss you in front of the snowman
But now we’re stuck as our lips freeze

(Chorus)
I’m Freezin/Sexy, girl
In my puffy coat
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
One look at me, that’s all she wrote

(Bridge)
Why would anyone ever settle here?
Were the Indians just sick of moving west?
Let’s build a dome over the city
If they did that, I’d be impressed
I could have lived in Cali or Arizona
Of all the places, Chicago’s what I’ve chosen
Frigid from November thru May
It’s so cold, even the great lakes become frozen

(Chorus)
I’m Freezin/Sexy, girl
My ears are getting numb
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
I’ll lick you like a popsicle, gonna get me some

Oops…I Wrote A Pop Song - Song #27

2010-01-27T21:54:00.000-06:00

Oops…I Wrote A Pop Song by Rich Baker

(Chorus)
Oops…I wrote a pop song
But I’ll never do it once. It’ll never happen twice
Oops…I wrote a pop song
If I make a video of this I’ll need someone tossing dice

I didn’t mean to put in fast talking verses
When and old timey hero gets mad he yells ‘Curses!’
When I wrote songs it’s usually a ballad or folk
The 11th president of the USA was James K. Polk

Pop songs are full of nonsensical rhyming phrases
If I were a detective I’d have unsolved cases
The words don’t matter nearly as much
If you’re from the Netherlands you are Dutch

(Chorus)
Oops…I wrote a pop song
It’s not usually my style. I’m no Jay-Z
Oops…I wrote a pop song
If Kevin Spacey were a rapper he’d be Kevin Spay-Z

(Bridge)
I swear it’s not what I normally do
But, girl I just need to get with you
I’m never usually trying to be hardcore
Somehow I’m here out on the dance floor

(Chorus)
Oops…I wrote a pop song
There’s no place for me to play guitar
Oops…I wrote a pop song
The bad guy in Aladdin was named Jafar
Oops…I wrote a pop song
The beats in the song are really bass-y
Oops…I wrote a pop song
I wanted a watch phone just like Dick Tracy
Oops…I wrote a pop song
To make music for this I use a synthesizer
Oops…I wrote a pop song
Old Faithful is an example of a geyser
Oops…I wrote a pop song
Influenced by Britney, Christina, and Timbelake
Oops…I wrote a pop song
Giving Chevy Chase a talk show was a mistake

A Great Man - Song #26

2010-01-26T16:12:00.000-06:00

A Great Man by Rich Baker

(spoken)
This song is about a topic that many have written songs about before. It’s a song about a man. A man who changed the lives of millions. And although he can cause controversy sometimes, I believe his message is for us to all get along in peace. His earthly father raised him as best he cold despite knowing that he was not the boy’s real father.

This song is about a man who made the miraculous normal. He helped everyone he could. And his enemies wanted him dead at all cost.

This is a song about a man who stands for hope and freedom. A man who died only to come back from the grave in order to save us all. A man known by one symbol universally recognized by billions.

(singing begins)
You came to earth to save us
You came here to defend
We know of your strength
And you will fight to the very end

Some do not believe in you
Some think you’re a lie
Others love and worship you
And lift you up on high…because you can fly

(Chorus)
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
Better than the rest
My man Superman!
With the big ‘S’ on his chest

You fight Lex Luthor and Toyman
Brainiac, Bizarro, and Parasite
Occasionally you fight gods like Darkseid
And big brained apes like Ultra-Humanite

Your friends with all the Justice League
And closest with Batman Bruce Wayne
You keep an intergalactic zoo in your Fortress of Solitude
And you’re married to Lois Lane

(Chorus)
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
Who’s in the very best of shape
My man Superman!
Wearing that flowing red cape

(Bridge)
I know you’re not impossible to kill
Even though you are the man of steel
Kal-El from Krypton would never lose the fight
Unless poisoned from too much Kryptonite
Since 1938 you’ve fought fervently
Among the pages of comics from DC
You got too silly for a while with all different kinds
Of marriages and pets and sidekick story lines
But in the 80s just like a magic wand
Everything was fixed when you were retconned (RetCon or Retroactive Continuity means than an author intentionally alters facts once established for a work of serialized fiction)

(Chorus)
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
He’s the man, don’t you know?
My man Superman!
With a superdog at his side named Krypto
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
When it comes to heroes, he’s second to none
My man Superman!
Who gets strong absorbing up our yellow sun
Superman!

The Lottery - Song# 25

2010-01-25T18:50:00.001-06:00

The Lottery by Rich Baker

The lottery keeps me lazy
Because I know there’s a chance
A chance to get all the money I want
Without putting on nice pants

Of course, I’d love to be rich
No need to work hard all the time
Savings and investments, forget it
I’ll go the easy route for my dime

(Chorus)
The lottery!
Millions of dollars just for me
The lottery!
All my troubles gone away
The lottery!
Spend it right and it’ll last
The lottery!
I’ll never work another day

Pick my numbers and then I hope
Use a system to up my odds
Chances are they’ll come up soon
Big houses, fine suits, hot rods

I’ll buy whatever I want to buy
No debt, no worry over bills
The stresses of life melt awy
Even if I get sick I can afford the pills

(Chorus)
The lottery!
More money than I can even count
The lottery!
Freedom from everything that binds
The lottery!
I can dream of it all day
The lottery!
I’ll own everything and all kinds

(Bridge)
Mo money, mo problems?
Yeah right. I’d like 56 million problems
I don’t wanna scrimp and save and earn
I wanna win so much I have money to burn
Every week a disappointment so far,
But I have my sights set on my new car
It’ll happen soon. I just has to
If I don’t win, I don’t know what I’ll do

The lottery!

Call My Phone - Song #24

2010-01-24T21:48:00.000-06:00

Call My Phone by Rich Baker

Would you mind calling me?
I can’t find my phone you see.
When you call it I’ll know its location
Which will end my frustration

I lose my phone a lot I know
I just don’t know where it goes
It’s like it has legs and walks away
When that happens you’ll hear me say:

(Chorus)
Please call my phone!
Please call me now
I listen to the ring
And that will bring
Me closer to the phone.

I really hope I didn’t leave it on vibrate
If I did that would make me irate
If it didn’t make any sound
How would I ever get around?

(Chorus)
Please call my phone!
I wish you could call other things
Like when I lose my keys
Or my wallet, shoes, or my integrity
My phone’s the only object I can lose and it be okay

(Bridge)
I must find the phone soon
Life without my phone makes no sense
How will I text or call or check my email?
My apps won’t access themselves…Unless they make an app for that
What will I do if I can’t text while I walk?
I can’t check it during conversations. I’ll have to listen to people when they talk.
I won’t know the weather or sports scores.
Cell phones own us. They’re the pimps and we’re the whores

(Chorus)
Please call my phone
What’s my number? I don’t know.
That information is found in my phone
I feel like a dog without his bone
Or an ice cream without the cone
A banker without a loan
Rivers without a Joan
A garden without a gnome
Even E.T. needed to phone home.
So, somebody, please call my phone

Life of A Gargoyle - Song #23

2010-01-23T14:47:00.000-06:00

Life of A Gargoyle by Rich Baker

Sit on a ledge all day
Sit on a ledge all day
Got no flesh or bones
Made outta stone
Sit on a ledge all day

I guard the catholic church
From the evils that might come
You just never know
What devil might show
Guarding all the church

Some gargoyles are animal
Some gargoyles are man
You look at me snd stare-ra
Because I am a Chimera
I’m meant to be ugly

I’m kind of a joke
Don’t scare too many folk
Ever since of what they did
A cartoon voiced by Keith David
Where I am a silly superhero

Sit on the ledge all day
Legs never stretch all day
I try not to weep
As my legs fall asleep
From not moving all day

I’m kinda evil looking
Like a ghost who’s out spooking
There’s all kinda trouble I get in
When I’m with my cousin
He’s a small and angry goblin

If someone could help me please
It won’t take much to ease
My bored mind
Just take the time
To give me checkers or something to read.

Sitting on the ledge all day
Sitting on the ledge all day
Not on a chair or a desk
But I’m still grotesque
Sitting on the ledge all day

Party Foul - Song# 22

2010-01-22T17:05:00.000-06:00

Party Foul

It happens when you’re not thinking
It happens when you’ve been drinking
It happens when you’re trying to impress chicks
When it happens you look like a bag of dicks

(Chorus)
Party Foul!
The little moments that just aren’t cool
Party Foul!
When you wind up looking like a tool
Party Foul!
Yeah that just happened and it’s just sad
Party Foul!
Better apologize. Better say ‘my bad.’

Hanging at a party and you spill your beer
Try to franticly clean it up off a strange girl’s rear
In your panic you wind up making things worse
When you trip over her and she spills her purse

Take your friend’s car. Didn’t ask permission.
Drive it too hard and blow the transmission.
Push it back to his house just before dawn
Slip the keys back so he won’t know it was gone

When you’re in the bathroom doing you’re thing
And you notice there’s no toilet paper on the ring
So you decide it’d be okay to use your roommate’s towel
You best believe that’s a party foul.

Party Foul!

(Bridge)
Certain things you should just never do
And the one hurt the most will be you
So listen up and take my advice
The following are things that are never nice
Making out with you best friend’s ex
Party Foul!
Referring to your date as one of your projects
Party Foul!
Showing up to work when you’re contagious sick
Party Foul!
Hitting on chicks at the abortion clinic
Party Foul!

The moral of this story is that we all mess up
But just don’t be a douche and fess up
Just be cool and then you’ll be killing it
Or act like a tool all dumb and inconsiderate!

Party Foul!

Just Thoughts - Song #21

2010-01-21T15:37:00.000-06:00

Just Thoughts by Rich Baker

What if angels were ugly?
But they were still majestic and musical
Would we still wanna be saved?
Would we turn down their homely miracle?

What if machine guns came in bright colors?
Like golden yellow or electric blue
Would war be more fun looking
Would you hate it less when I shot you?

(Chorus)
These are the random thoughts
Just thoughts floating in my head
Like cheerios floating in milk
Maybe they’re best left unsaid?

What if sex made you gassy?
Would we still want so much loving?
Only to spend the rest of the night
Under the covers with a Dutch oven?

What if chess pieces weighed fifty pounds each?
Then we gotta call it a sport now
No pencil necks pushing a pawn
Big muscled dudes pick up and put down…POW

(Chorus)
These are my pointless thoughts
Just thoughts falling down like rain
A drop or two hits my head sometimes
They vanish quickly never to remain

(Bridge)
What would life be like without knuckles?
Could I take more than one punch from Lou Ferigno?
Would cats sound smart if they could sing?
When God is bored does he do sudoku?

What if others knew about all these crazy thoughts?
Would they torch up and run me out of town?
I better keep all of these to myself
So, I’ll just remember to never write them down.

(Chorus)
These are my silly thoughts
They don’t mean a damn thing
Just thoughts flying through space
Like comets and debris and saturn’s rings

Virus! - Song #20

2010-01-20T21:35:00.000-06:00

Virus! - by Rich Baker

You can’t see me. You can’t here me.
But I’m right there.
C’mon, let’s dance
I’m what everyone hates to share

I’ll make you stay at home, but have no fun
You’ll wanna be productive but nothing will get done
At best you’re on the couch rerun programs
And you can’t laugh cause of your swollen glands

It’s your last sick day for the year
So tomorrow you have no choice
Wake up and tough it out at work
With your clammy hands and raspy voice

Your weekend is toast
Your vacation a wreck
It’s all your fault that
Everyone is upset

Come a little closer
Give a little kiss
I like to spread around
Nobody do I wanna miss

I make your nose so runny
Your head is achy
You try and try and try to sleep
But you can’t breathe. Wakey. Wakey.

(Chorus)
I am a virus. I only have one mission.
A virus. Put you into submission
No antibiotics or drugs will work
Just one of many viral perks

I don’t care that you hate me
So, you better just listen
I can tear you up and inside out
Working my way throughout your system

I’m causing pain and I’m out for blood
And you better know I’m causing you hell
I have to find my way all up in you
Cause I can only replicate inside your cells

(Chorus)
I’m a virus and I’m hitting you hard
I’m a virus. It says so on my business card
I’m a virus and I’ll make you squirm
I’m a virus. Can’t get rid of my germs.

I’m a virus!

Hard Nose Cop - Song #19

2010-01-19T15:51:00.000-06:00

Hard Nose Cop by Rich Baker

Putting bad guys away is what I do
Got me a badge. Got me a gun.
I work nights when crime is high.
When you’re warm at home, my shift’s just begun.

Another crime scene. Another dead girl.
The chief is pissed. Bodies piling up.
The case is stressing everyone out.
Keeping awake with coffee. I’m on my third cup.

(Chorus)
I’m a hard nose cop
I am worth all the hype
A detective with an attitude
A walking stereotype

I go home by 4AM to my dismal house
Laundry’s piling up around the room
Old pizza boxes and a few beer cans
Could stand some cleaning and a vacuum

I’m up to my ears in paperwork
Divorced seven times so far
Bad knees, bad back, bad cholesterol
Burger King wrappers all over my car

(Chorus)
I’m a hard nose cop
Two days of scruff and a raspy voice
I get the job done
Like I was born into this with no choice

(Bridge)
Loose Cannon, Crazy Cowboy
Too many titles to tell
I’ll probably break some chick’s heart
And the captain will start to yell

No glits and glamour for me
Just time off the clock with a beer
Married to the job, busting heads
And the captain yell’s, “Get your ass in here!”

Captain Average - Song #18

2010-01-18T13:49:00.001-06:00

Captain Average by Rich Baker

Some people are really tall
Some are really thin
Some have really long hair
Some have darker skin

People come in all different shapes
And several different personalities
Me? I help anchor it all in place
I’m the average of all of these

(Chorus)
I’m the average white man
I won’t stand out in a crowd
Five foot eleven, short thinning hair
Not too soft, not too loud
No crazy scars, no tatoos
Not overweight, not muscled up
Not horribly ugly
By no means a handsome stud
I’m Mr. Average
I’m Mr. Average

For a long time I was bothered,
I was quite mad
I wanted to be bigger and better looking
Angered at my mom and my dad

Why’m I not taller
or have a real deep voice?
I’d have millions of dollars or dunk a basketball
If it were my choice.

I thought I was a no one
Nothing of consequence
Just an average dude
Always on the defense

Then one day I realized
I wasn’t gonna change
My statistics are what they are
No trade for a new body, no exchange

So, instead of spending time wishing
And dreaming about what I’m not
I embraced my normal regularness
And make the most of what I got

(Chorus)
I’m Captain Average
Not a superhero at all
I’m Captain Average
Not too short or too tall
I’m Captain Average
And I’ll be the best one I can be
I’m Captain Average
This acceptance sets me free
I’m Captain Average
I’m Captain Average

Sure I still have a thought now and then
Running in the touchdowns in the NFL
Or even the president in D.C.
Or flying spaceships. What the hell?

But no longer do those thoughts make me bitter
Or cause me any pain
Cause I’m doing just fine
I got no reason to complain

I’m Captain Average!
I’m Captain Average!

Cuddling - Song #17

2010-01-17T20:47:00.000-06:00

Cuddling by Rich Baker

I can’t cuddle you when I’m asleep.
My body doesn’t work that way
To fall asleep I can’t be touching you
I’ll need you to move yourself away

As romantic as I wanna be this can’t happen
Sinatra’s on the radio crooning
Candles are lit and we feel the warmth
We can face each other or we can be spooning

But it can’t last forever, I’m sorry, girl
It’s not that I don’t wanna caress your face
I love sharing moments looking in your eyes
But I gotta go to sleep now and I need my space

(Chorus)
I can’t cuddle and hold you all night
This isn’t a matter of wrong or right
And it won’t help if I’m counting sheep
Cause I can’t hold you and still fall asleep

You can talk about your feelings
Or tell me all about your day
I’ll take you out to dinner
Or stay home and make you a filet

I’ll be there to listen when you’re down
You’re like my princess who doesn’t wear a crown
Make you laugh when you’re upset
Take you dancing in your red evening gown

(Chorus)
But I can’t cuddle you while I’m sleeping
I need to be separated while I’m dreaming
I’m seriously. There won’t be anymore.
Try to touch me again I’ll push you onto the floor.

(Bridge)
Is it too much to ask to have my own space at night?
I won’t ask you again. I’m ‘bout to be impolite.
I swear you’re clinging to me like a parasite!
You’re like a moth and I’m a 90 watt light!
You’re like a cuddle eating monster with a huge apetite
I bet you blog about cuddling on your website
You’re squeezing so hard I feel like Han Solo encased in carbonite
Like a vampire searching for a victim to bite
I’m about to explode just like dynamite
I may stab you with a pencil made of graphite
In the morning our bodies can reunite

Get away from me.
Get your grabby hands away from me
Don’t you dare press yourself against me
Tonight there’s no more cuddling

Cursed Words - Song #16

2010-01-16T17:45:00.001-06:00

Cursed Words by Rich Baker

Since the dawn of man when we learned to walk upright
Communication has separated us from the animals
Stringing together common sounds. A miracle of the human spirit.
Consonants and vowels allowing us to share our thoughts.

But some words are bad
Some words are just not polite
They should not be spoken
They feed into your evil appetite

It’s okay to say, ‘heck,’ ‘frik,’ and ‘gee whiz.’
They are acceptable in all situations
But changing certain letters in these words
Makes for verbal abominations

(chorus)
They are cursed words
Cursed words
The kind that should never be heard
Cursed words
Cursed words

It’s okay to talk about your shin
But don’t you even dare
Replace that ‘n’ with a ‘t’
Or I’ll give you the evil glare

You can pluck the duck in your truck
But no way can you put the ‘f’ in.
And adding mother in front of it
Will not happen in church. Amen

(Chorus)
That’s what makes them cursed words
Cursed words
Just like every other word, but worse
Cursed words
Cursed words

In centuries past man believed in magic
Certain word combinations would unlock the spells
Abbra cadabra, hocus pocus, and hallejulah
Some brought on heaven and others brought on hell

Don’t try to say country without the tree
Don’t get bigger with an ‘n.’
So many words we’re not allowed to use
I barely know where to freakin’ begin.

But isn’t it time to realize that they’re just what they are
No magic. No devils or angels. Nothing but sounds
We can say some, but not the others.
Does this make you mad these rules are still around?

(Bridge)
When I’m mad I say:
Awww gee, that’s a bunch of Heckfire.
I mean Cheese & Rice, you son of a gun.
Crap dang it! That’s bullcorn!
Oh heavens, you jerk.
I’m both peeved and ticked off
Thanks to that witchy woman
Aww nuts! That’s a bunch of fooey and poppycock
My fiddlesticks! That’s dadgum, bloody balderdash!

(Chorus)
Don’t you dare say those cursed words
Much more dirty than regular words
Don’t say ‘em around kids or on the radio
Those tiny unassuming cursed words
Those dadburn cursed words!

I Don't Have to Rhyme - Song #15

2010-01-15T19:43:00.001-06:00

I Don’t Have to Rhyme by Rich Baker

While writing my lyrics I spend much of my time
Searching for words with near or perfect rhyme
The thought occurred to me as I sat typing away
What if I didn’t rhyme at least just today?

Not all the great song writers use rhyme in all their songs.
It’s not like mathematics. No absolute rights or wrongs.
So, for just this once I’m going to attempt
To not rhyme and see how it all finishes

(Chorus)
I don’t have to use rhymes
Brother can you spare a nickel?
I don’t have to use a rhyme
It’s not like I’m committing a misdemeanor

My dog likes to eat his kibble and bits
I like my girls with contoured faces
When I was sixteen I drove a truck
I’d get a girl inside and all night we’d drive around

(Chorus)
I don’t have to rhyme when I write a verse
But when I get mad I yell and use expletives
I never have to use rhyme when I write
Vampires love to take a walk around the neighborhood

I’m an average-sized guy. My friend is bigger
His name is Jerome and he’s one crazy gentleman
My other friend Hiep always makes me think
He loves math. He’s definitely a smart individual

My girlfriend made me watch Lilo and Stitch
I like her a lot, but she can be a real immature person
When her and I communicate we try to be up front
But when she doesn’t talk to me I call her a silenty silent pants

(Chorus)
No, I don’t have to rhyme
Up a mountain I will maneuver
I don’t have to rhyme at all
It makes me feel good like a tingle on my soul

Frozen Pizza - Song #14

2010-01-14T20:42:00.000-06:00

Frozen Pizza by Rich Baker

Had a hard day
Back is tired
Feet are sore
I’m a bit wired

Bus is crowded
Sardines in a can
Weather’s cold
I’m a sad sad man

But one thing is good
Keeps a smile on my face
Waitin’ for me at home
When I’m done with the rat race…

(Chorus)
At home I got me a frozen pizza
Never any stress and it’s ready to greet ya
Spinach and mushroom it’s nice to meet ya
Gonna cook me up a frozen pizza

So many flavors
My favorite food item
It’s universal
Everybody likes ‘em

All you need is a pizza pan
Some Pam spray or butter
An oven and twenty minutes
Take it out and use your pizza cutter

(Chours)
Calling my name is a frozen pizza
Maybe I’ll invite over my friend Rita
We’ll sit-a on the couch-a and then eat-a
The deliciousness of my frozen pizza

(Bridge)
I could make one from scratch, but that’s too much work
The frozen ones are simple and taste so great
I could order one, but that costs money
Frozen pizza, you may be my soul mate

(Chorus)
Sitting in my freezer is a frozen pizza
Got veggies and cheese and different meats-a
I work hard and it’s my treats-a
I love to think about my frozen pizza

The Butterfly Effect - Song #13

2010-01-13T20:35:00.000-06:00

The Butterfly Effect by Rich Baker

When a small butterfly flew thru the sky
A small patch of air pushed away
It blew in a frog’s eye and then the eye got dry
Much to frog’s dismay

Distracted by this, the frog must’ve missed
The tasty fly going by
So it wasn’t eaten and just went on being
A regular foresty fly.

Just past a pond it landed on
An angry wolf’s jowl
The wolf shook its face to make the fly go away
The wolf then let out a growl

Another wolf to his right opened his eyes
He was asleep up til now
He was perturbed, b/c his snooze was disturbed
So he let out a howl

Hearing the wolf cry from up on the sky
An owl was flying past
The owl flew with ease over the trees
And she was moving quite fast

A mouse in the dirt afraid to get hurt
Tried to stay out of the light
So, it dug a hole bumped into a mole
And ran back into the night

As the mouse ran he began
To feel the warmth from ahead
There so inspired was a camp fire
A human was making a bed

The man had a sleeping bag
He would sleep under the stars
The mouse ran by. The man jumped high
And he jumped back in his car

Deciding not to camp there was the man
Driving to a hotel instead
He got a key then went to sleep
Comfy on a king bed

When he got that room the hotel now was full
No more rooms to be had
The hotel clerk who hated to work
Decided to take a nap

The front desk phone rang, but this didn’t change
The snoring employee
The guy calling the phone was starting to groan
He was calling to get something to eat.

With no answer at all to his phone call
The man didn’t know what to do
Not in a good mood just wanting food
His hunger grew and grew

The man was unfed, but he went to bed
Awoke the next day with an angry face
So hungry by now he could eat a cow
He went down to the donut place

He ordered a dozen straight from the oven
Ate them on the way to his meeting
He was happy to share with the people there
What a pleasant greeting

The meeting went well, everyone swell
All were getting a long
As it let out a lady had found
That she was humming a song

She hummed it all day and along the way
Another man heard her humming
The tune got stuck in his brain as he got on a plane
He noticed his fingers were drumming

He drummed with his feet and his hands on the seat
Keeping a nice rhythm
The girl next to him felt the rhythm
And she drummed a long with him

As the plane landed the girl handed
The man her business card
And she hand wrote a line, “call me anytime”
The held that in regard

The girl drove back to Fon Du Lac
Up in the state of Wisonsin
A week went by. She started to cry.
The man never called like she wanted.

Still wanting to sob she went to her job
Down at the local library
She was quite upset right at her desk
Eating on machino cherries.

Normally happy, now kind of sappy
The lady stared at the wall
For a long while she would not smile
Wanting to forget it all

A boy of just twelve went to ask for some help
Hoping to get some advice
He went up to the counter her crying got louder
She would look in his eyes

The boy walked away unsure what to say
So he walked out the library door
Stuck in a lurch, he’d done no research
He was information poor

So, now I hope you see the scope
Of all the crazy events
The boy could not get what he needed
To complete the homework assignment

As you can see, that boy was me
I hope my tale wasn’t too dreary
And all that is why someone as diligent as I
Couldn’t do my paper on Chaos Theory

Blackman - Song #12

2010-01-12T17:00:00.001-06:00

Blackman by Rich Baker (to the tune of Blackbird by The Beatles)*

(*Note* My goal with these songs are not to do parody songs. However, I feel this one is meaningful and works perfectly with a song I happen to love. There will probably be very few of these. This may be the only song I write that is a 'parody' song.)

Blackman walking down my street at night
I am so afraid he’s got a knife
And he’ll try
To rob me and to stab me which will end my life

Black man walked up to me at night
Take these wallet and watch and leave me be
Don’t take my life
Did you just break out of prison and now you are free?

Black man at night, Black man at night
Irrationally afraid just because I am white

That black man is fine. The black man’s fine.
I’m racist and weak and I know that’s not right

Black man walking down my street at night
Instead of looking down I’ll decide
To say, ‘Hi.’
We are still waiting for this racism to die
We should look at this world with some brand new eyes
We should all be better and that would be wise

You’re On The List (A Petty Man’s Anthem) - Song #11

2010-01-12T01:59:00.000-06:00

You’re On The List (A Petty Man’s Anthem) by Rich Baker

Hey you, the guy who turned me down for a job
And you, the lady who didn’t hold the elevator door
Mr. Bartender who accidentally overcharged me once
And you the neighbor who’s dog craps on my lawn

You don’t wanna cross me.
I don’t seem like much right now.
I won’t get angry
Or say anything to you out loud

Instead I’ll just keep a tab
And remember it forever
All ties I have with you
I will sever

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

And one day when I become rich and powerful
I will not help you at all
I won’t cast you in any of my movies
I’ll never let you sleep in my home

I won’t pull over if you have a flat tire
No way I’ll be your phone a friend on a game show
If you’re choking, hope someone else knows the Heimlich
And I won’t let you borrow a pen either, because…

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

And one day when I’m real important
You can’t meet any of my famous friends
No special thank you’s at my Grammy acceptance speech
No favors, no second chances, I won’t bend

If you’re poor, I won’t give you a nickel
If you’re hurt I won’t come to your aid
If the zombie apocalypse happens and we’re the only two people left on earth I will not share with you my food rations that I’ve saved up knowing that the it was a matter of ‘when’ and not ‘if’ the zombies kill us all. You’re on your own.

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

(Bridge)
To the coffee shop girl who won’t flirt back
You’re on the list
The kid in 7th grade who stole my hacky sack
You’re on the list
The teacher who mispronounced my name and apologized. I know you’re not really sorry.
You’re on the list
To the guy who refused my facebook friend request just cause we’d never met
You’re on the list
To Oprah Winfrey, b/c I couldn’t get tickets to see her show
You’re on the list
To the makers of Weight Gainer, b/c I didn’t get buff after drinking two shakes
You’re on the list
To the mailman who lost a letter once and I got it a day late
You’re on the list
To every hot chick I didn’t have the guts to ask out. How dare you intimidate me.
You’re on the list
To the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning so many superbowls. Ever hear of sharing?
You’re on the list
To magicians for not telling me how their tricks are done. I’m so curios.
You’re on the list
To anyone who made fun of me for preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse
You’re on the list
To the makers of post-it notes for making them too small for me to fit my whole list on one
You’re on the list
To everyone who isn’t enjoying this song right now
You’re all on the damn list!

I Guess This Song Makes Me A Dirty Hippie - Song #10

2010-01-10T16:56:00.000-06:00

I Guess This Song Makes Me A Dirty Hippie by Rich Baker

I’m not a big fan of capitalism
With some of my friends this causes a schism
I think the system’s busted and needs a fix
And that’s why friends hate to discuss politics

I’ve got the unpopular view
The one held by the few
And many will probably be surprised
That I think drugs should be legalized

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must hang out in record stores and quote Kerouac
It means I dance in the woods and write bad poetry
I simply must be all of this if I say these things. It’s just a fact.

Sex is legal but only if it’s for free
Or in a few Nevada counties
Porn is legal too and the actors get paid
So you better have a camera if you’re paying to get laid

Why do some think America is always right?
Those who don’t wear uniforms want others to go and fight
In the 1940s we gave Israel some land
And the Arabs were a bit mad. Can you believe the nerve of them?

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must sleep on the ground and listen to Phish
It has to mean I smoke pot and don’t bathe
There are no two ways about it. That is it.

Drugs could be taxed and help the country out of debt
But the thought still makes too many upset
Marijuana doesn’t cause us to kill, rape, and steal.
Do people still believe “Refer Madness” was for real?

(Bridge 1)
I Guess These Thoughts Make me a dirty hippy
Because I don’t support the wars
Because I believe you should have rights even if you’re a whore
Because our basic freedoms are all ignored
Because lives are destroyed on the trading room floor
Because you’re a lesser citizen if you happen to be poor
Because there are so many things I think are not okay
But at least we can sleep knowing you can’t get married if you’re gay

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must own tie-die shirts and dread lock hair
It has to mean I don’t listen to other points of view
It’s completely black and white. No grey area

I’m not blaming anyone individually
For all the problems and instability
Every one of us have said, “Let them eat cake.”
It’s not just one act, but a culmination of mistakes

Just keep quiet don’t say a word
Pretend no injustices have ever occurred
You can’t speak out. Just play along.
Hell, I’m even hesitant to post the lyrics to this song

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must always to go concerts and never pay rent
It has to mean I don’t tip at restaurants
Must be one way or another. How convenient

(Bridge 2)
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate you if we don’t agree
I won’t make fun or threaten or push my views on anybody
It’s okay to get your thoughts out. Go and speak your mind.
We shouldn't hate each other over it. We’re all just mankind
I don’t want love rallies and constant hugging in the streets
How ‘bout just getting everyone shelter and something to eat?
Am I guilty for not doing enuff on my part?
Hell yes, b/c lifting a finger for others is way too hard.

I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie.
I guess it really does…
So…Peace, man.

Christmas Cruise - Song #9

2010-01-09T20:54:00.000-06:00

Christmas Cruise by Rich Baker

It’s holiday time full of cheer
When angels and miracles appear
Families gather by lighted trees
Children get gifts saying thank you and please

Fireplaces warm you and everyone’s home
Drinking egg nog and reading a Christmas poem
Singing songs and watching It’s a Wonderful Life
Children, grandparents, husband and wife

But we’re not there, because…

While you’re at home
Surrounded by cold wind and snow
We’ll be in shorts drinking lots of booze
Because this year we decided to take a Christmas Caribbean Cruise

It’s Christmas
Don’t you miss us?
We’re not there at all.
It’s snowing
We’re not showing
And we’re not even going to call

There won’t be ornaments hanging on our tree
Instead we are boating out to sea
No family arguments or shopping mall crowds
Just a fun cruise director who shouts very loud “Get up to deck 3 for LIMBO!”

It’s Christmas
Don’t be suspicious
We’re actually having fun
The kids are screaming
And we’re day dreaming
As we tan underneath the sun

We may miss a few things
like presents and mistletoe
But we’re living like kings as the boat is flowing
Down to Jamaica and Kokomo.

It’s Christmas
Oh how delicious
Smoked salmon and whiskey sours
Sun is shining
We’re reclining
As we relax away the hours

Why didn’t we ever do this before?
Christmas was always such a chore.
So cold stressful not at all restful
It’s way better off Shore

What have we got to lose?
Can’t wait to spread the news
It’s our right to choose
We’re here with a bunch of Jews.
A Christmas Caribbean Cruise!

Why Would You Leave me? - Song #8

2010-01-09T00:51:00.000-06:00

Why Would You Leave Me? by Rich Baker (Slow Love Ballad)

It’s been two weeks now
I know you’re not coming back
I think of you all the time
My heart’s out of whack

I can’t look at a room in the house
Without seeing your face
I miss you so much
Please come back to this place.

(Chorus)
Why did you leave me?
Was it something I said?
Why did you leave me?
I can’t get you out of my head
I’m still in love but you’re clearly not
What did I do wrong?
Heartache is all that I got.

Do you remember your birthday?
Wasn’t that a surprise?
I bought you a brazilian wax
for your firestarting thighs

We went to dinner
and I’ll never forget
The look on your face when
I tried to skip on the check

We had some good times.
So many ya know?
That day last winter
When I pushed you into the snow

And held you down in it
Pushing snow in your pants
Man that was good.
Don’t you remember my laughs?

I can’t forget all your beauty
Do you remember the time?
I took naughty photos of you
And then put them online?

Or last thanksgiving
At your family’s home
Everyone was smiling
And I made out with your mom

(Chorus)
Why did you leave me?
Was it something I said?
Why did you leave me?
Right now I wish I was dead
I still remember the love and the fun.
For me it’s not over
But clearly you’re done.

(Bridge)
Sure I’m not perfect
I’m just a man
Like when I threw your cat
In the outside garbage can
I know I’m not the best looking
But I’m always good for a smile
Like when I jumped back in the car and sped away
And you had to walk home ten miles.

(Chorus)
Why did you leave me?
Can I go back in time?
Why did you leave me?
Is being a joker a crime?
I can’t seem to stop thinking of us
Can I plead my case to you?
Can we discuss?
Why did you leave me?
Why did you leave me?

Geek Sheik - Song #7

2010-01-08T00:15:00.000-06:00

Geek Sheik by Rich Baker (Rap)

I am Geek Sheik. King of the Nerds
Here’s my theseauras where I come up with words
Wanna know about me? Can you handle it?
Sit back and hear the rhymes that I spit!

I gotta solid gold Xbox with spinner rims
A diorama of the Secret of NIMH
The original screenplay from Episode IV
I collect more rings than the Green Lantern Corps

All the chicks line up in Wonder Woman tights
With my infared telescope I’ve got you in my sights
Girl, you very fine with your Lois Lane looks
Wanna make love to you on a bed of comic books

(Chorus)
I’m Geek Sheik livin’ large
Like Scott Baio on Charles in Charge
I’m Geek Sheik you better know what’s what
I’m livin’ phat like Jaba the Hut

I’ll take you to magical places like when Dorothy was dreamin’
Get with me and your emoticons will be screamin’
I’ll please you girl and you’ll like it a lots
Brace yourself for 1.21 Gigawatts!

I’m so good I can explain the full plot to Lost. It’s so hectic
Without a calculator I can convert standard to metric
I’m the chessmaster commanding the pawns
Want to hear a sonnet translated into Klingon?

I tear up the dance floor like Napoleon Dynamite
I quote old kitch films like Rad and Dolemite
I collect toys from old Happy Meals
I’m awkward at street slang fo’ reelz!

C’mon girl, it’s time to get naughty
I got all the cheat codes to your body
Get with me, baby and I’ll rock your world
It’d be almost as good as a five way with all four Golden Girls

I get down in between your thighs
Let me dock my starshsip enterprise
I’ll have you screamin’ for more, more, more, mordor…and the eye of saramon
You’ll be my Prescious!

I don’t go to dance clubs or hang out in bars
If I wanna leave the house I borrow my mom’s car
Ain’t no part time fanboy I’m king don’t you see?
All bow down I am the final fantasy!

(Chorus)
I’m Geek Sheik like Bill Gates
Girl you’re like a verb I wanna conjugate
I’m Geek Sheik like Steve Jobs
In the realm of nerds I’m the head of the mob

(Bridge)
I write computer code for my salary
My best friend online is from Calgary
My kryptonite is my allergies
Farmer’s Lung is the name of a real malady
Love songs are usually ballady
Wouldn’t mind hookin’ up with a Valkyrie
The Microsoft Paperclip is a pal to me
All the other nerds in the world shall bow to me

(Chorus)
I’m Geek Sheik and everybody knows
My BluRay Player has every MST3K show
I’m Geek Sheik yeah that’s me
I haven’t seen the sun in three weeks
I’m Geek Sheik
I’m Geek Sheik
Geek Sheik!

Marian the Unitarian - Song #6

2010-01-07T01:43:00.000-06:00

Marian the Unitarian by Rich Baker

This is the tale of Marian the Unitarian

(Verse)
Marian was born in the middle of Nebraska
Travled all the country from Miami to Alaska
Then she went abroad from Austrailia to Japan
She met up with Brazilians, Taiwanese, and Scandinavians

(Verse)
She learned different cultures. Ate different foods.
Befriended all kinds of people and mostly they were good.
When she came back to her home in the states
And settled into life where she could acclimate.

(Verse)
She thought about religion and what it all meant
There was a Baptist church, and Presbyterian, and even a convent
This decision she believed was quite an important one
She’d seen so many different ways of life. How to settle for just one?

(Verse)
Every week she went out to a different house of prayer
A spiritual sampler she was for almost a full year
And there were many great things she found about each of them
Like inner peace, karma, and transubstantiation.

(Verse)
Not ever wanting to make a choice for fear she would be wrong
She went to a place where everything was okay. Everyone got a long.
There were no fights, no tiffs, no hundred year old schism
It was a place called Unitarian Universalism

(Chorus)
And she became Marian the Unitarian
She was a model of the good Samaritan
Marian the Unitarian
She joined the church council as the parliamentarian.

(Bridge)
Everyone loved Marian in her neighborhood
When people sought advice on who was right she’d say, ‘it’s all good.’
Where do eat tonight? At the burger joint? Pizza? Chinese?
Marian smiled and said, “Let’s combine all three!”
No one is wrong. Everyone is right.
If we all were Marian. The wars would stop tonight.
No specific dogma that you need to know
Everything’s correct. Just go with the flow.

(Chorus)
She’s Marian the Unitarian.
She got a job as a librarian.
No meat for a vegetarian.
Her grandfather’s an octogenarian
Mother Theresa was a humanitarian
Baby making is ovarian

(Verse)
She believes in the inherent worth and dignity of every person
The only word I thought to rhyme with this is Gena Gershon
But she’s pretty hot so I’m okay with this
And Marian would never judge me for rhyming this with this

(Chorus)
She’s Marian the Unitarian
I bet she’s not popular in Iran
She’s Marian the Unitarian
Quite the opposite of a sectarian

She’s Marian the humanitarian, vegetarian, humanitarian, Unitarian.

"No Thanks" - Song #5

2010-01-05T19:38:00.000-06:00

No Thanks by Rich Baker

(Spoken)
At a late night bar amidst the crowd
You came over and sat down
Brushed your hand on top of mine
And whispered, “Come to my place and I’ll show you a good time.”

(Verse)
It’s been a while since someone’s ever come up
And offered a string-free hook up
I’m flattered and I hope you understand
Normally I’m definitely that kinda man
But in this particular case I simply must say
If you were the best I could get, I would just turn gay

(Chorus)
No Thanks
Not tonight
It just doest feel right.
I’m not trying to be a jerk.
But your face and your body need a whole lotta work.

(Verse)
I’m not against dating older chicks
In fact they can be kinda hot
Some kinda be quite sexy
And then again some are not
You’re forward and very confident
That’s all just great
But I know I’d have
More fun if I masturbate

(Chorus)
No Thanks
Not right now
I think you’re descended from a cow
I don’t wish to harp on this fact
If I were shooting a zombie movie I’d hire you to act

(Bridge)
Rarely does any girl come up to me
On a scale of one to five I’m right at a three
Average. Not ugly. But I won’t turn any heads
So, often I’m not picky and I take what I get
Like a catfish who eats from the gross ocean floor
I shoot for the stars and sometimes even more
But I settle for what will be willing for me
Even a blind man has standards. So, I’m so sorry…but

(Chorus)
No Thanks
And good luck
I hope you find someone willing to…talk to you
No Thanks
You’re not my type
You’re like a piece of fruit that’s way over ripe
No Thanks
Am I who
Seems like a guy who would be with the likes of you?
Not a chance
In all of hell
You’d have to put me under a magic spell.

(Verse)
I know I sound like a pompass, selfish ass
And normally I’m understanding and let things pass
But in your case my only solution
Is to write you off as failed Darwinian Evolution

No Thanks!

Why You Haven't Called - Song #4

2010-01-05T01:37:00.000-06:00

Why You Haven’t Called by Rich Baker

It’s been almost a week now since our first date.
I’ve thought about you since then every day
And I waited to call you so it wasn’t right away
But that was five days now and I’m starting the think

(Chorus)
You haven’t called me.
What’s the deal?
Did I offend you when we ate our meal?
You haven’t called me.
What went wrong?
I’ve got a few ideas and put them into song.

That night after dinner you went back to your home
And got a late night call on your cell phone
Your mother called to tell you your uncle had died
You never met him but he left behind
A fortune in gold. And now it’s all yours
This caused you to gasp as you fell on the floor
Your heart started racing and pounding to quickly
Blood flow inside you made you all sickly
The anurism finally burst in your brain
Then from your mouth blood started to rain
You fell to the floor with loud sounding CRACK
And that’s why you haven’t called me back.

I hope that I’m wrong and that you’re just fine
The last time I saw you drinking your wine
Things were so good and I want you to know
That I think there’s a future for us. Oh oh oh.

(Chours)
You haven’t called me.
Why oh why?
Are you weirded out by my lazy eye?
You haven’t called me.
What the hell?
That could not have been our final farewell…unless…

Unless after we parted that night in the cold
You were approached by a demon of old
He put you into a hypnotic trance
And brought you back to the vernal equinox dance
Tied you down to big freaking stone
While goblins and monsters licked at your bones
You were the ultimate sacrifice
What a shame you were so pretty and nice
Now your soul’s trapped in an unearthly realm
Burning and searing with Satan at the helm
Your body is gone for all of eternity
And that’s why you haven’t called me.

Bridge
I’m starting to cry over all of this stuff
What if you’re in the back of some mafia guy’s trunk?
Or an amnesiac who can’t remember her name?
All of these thoughts are driving me insane.
It has to be something preventing you from
Getting to your phone and dialing me up
I’m a great guy with so much to give
So the only thing I can think is that you no longer live.
This happens to me quite a lot.
After the first date I never hear squat.
So much senseless violence and obscurity.
This is terrible luck and it happens to me.

(Chorus)
You haven’t called me.
This is dumb
I’m nice and not fat and I think I’m fun.
You haven’t called me.
It’s your loss.
When it comes to great guys I’m the boss.
You haven’t called me.
I’m a great man.
Therefore you must be a lesbian.

Playing Kickball Song #3 on Day #3

2010-01-03T23:35:00.000-06:00

Playing Kickball by Rich Baker (Think heavy metal-esque)

(Verse)
Walk up to the field with fire in my eyes
There’s about to be fear underneath the skies
My feet are restless. My reactions quick.
Cross me now and I’ll make you go home sick.

(Chorus)
We’re playing KICK BALL!
We’re playing KICKBALL!
It’s like BASEBALL!
But it’s KICKBALL!

(Verse)
Roll that rubber ball down to me
I’m gonna kick it to the next county
Put in all you got to your fancy pitch
I’ll kick it over your head. Make you my bitch.

(Chorus)
PLAYING KICKBALL!
Uses the same ball as DODGEBALL!
You don’t have to be in shape at ALL!
Cause it’s KICKBALL!

(Verse)
I see you running thru the bases trying to make it home
But I got you in my sights. Buckle up. Let’s go.
Perfectly legal to hit you in the back
I’ll launch so hard give you a heart attack

(Bridge)
I’m I kickball player
Listening to Slayer
You should elect me mayor
Of the kickball players
Some say I get crazy
And too competitive
I respond with to lose is to die
AND TO WIN IS TO LIVE!

(Chorus)
PLAYING KICKBALL!
We’ll play IN THE FALL!
Half my team is smoking MENTHOLS!
The outfielder’s on a PHONE CALL!
The pitcher’s daughter’s playing WITH A DOLL!
Have you ever been to NEPAL!?!
I have a friend named JASON SCHALL!
My hands are KINDA SMALL!
I once slept in a HORSE STALL
Chinese toys had a RECALL
My head hurts. I'll take a TYLENOL!
Playing KICKBALL!

You’re Not Helping (Your Stereotype) Song #2 on Day #2

2010-01-03T00:31:00.000-06:00

You’re Not Helping (Your Stereotype) by Rich Baker

(Verse)
Driving down the road
Going way too slow
It’s like the car in front of me
Is in another reality.
One lane street
I got nowhere to go
Rage is building up inside
My top is ready to blow
Finally another lane
I pull up to the right
And behind the wheel
I see in my sights
An elderly asian woman
Who can barely see over the dash
An elderly asian woman
And I hate to be brash, but…

(Chorus)
You’re not helping
You’re not helping
You’re not helping your stereotype
Are you out to prove all the comedians right?
Because you’re not helping your stereotype.

(verse)
At the line in the bank
There stood a man.
A wrinkled wife beater
And a bad farmer’s tan
He smoked Marlboro reds
And a mullet on top
Drinking Coor’s from a can
I think I saw him on Cops
He hasn’t shaved in three days
He takes advice from Jerry Springer
And drives a truck
Giving people the finger
He likes to eat spam
Bill Engvall’s his hero
When he tries to speak Spanish he mispronounces ‘yo queer-o.’

(Chorus)
You’re not helping
You’re not helping
You’re not helping your stereotype
Are you out to prove the comedians right?
Because you’re not helping your stereotype

(Bridge)
You see them everywhere:
Like ten frat guys at a bar
All hitting on the same chick
Or a guy in a cowboy hat
When it’s not Halloween
A Irish man drunk
On St. Paddy’s day morning
Or a Jewish lawyer asking
The Red Cross guy for change.

We as a people can shatter preconceived thoughts
Do what’s different. Show them all that we got.
Don’t throw up in a cab if you’re slutty drunk girl
Americans need to learn about the rest of the world
Foreigners please tip when you eat out
Black people when you talk you don’t ALWAYS NEED TO SHOUT

(Verse)
I look in the mirror and what do I see?
A nerdy looking white guy staring back at me
Spends too much time on facebook
And quotes movies all day
And when he disapproves of something he says “that’s so gay.”
Don’t wear so many superman t-shirts
Or talk about Battlestar Gallactica all the time
And download illegal music and not think it’s a crime.
He dances way off rhythm or eats food after it’s bad
And blames all his issues on his alcoholic dad.

(Chorus)
I’m not helping
I’m not helping
I’m not helping my stereotype
Am I out to prove all the comedians right?
Because I’m not helping my stereotype

Let’s dare to be different.
Let’s prove them all wrong
We need to start helping
We need to start helping
We need to start helping our stereotype

Public Transit Love (first song on day 1)

2010-01-01T19:00:00.000-06:00

Public Transit Love by Rich Baker

(spoken)
Hey you, girl on the train. I'm in love with you.

(Verse)
Your brown hair peaks thru your hoodie's hood.
Your cute little smile. Which is your neighborhood?
Just look up and you'll be as smitten with me as I with you.
Cause one cta rider plus another makes two.

(Verse)
My love for you is like a boat about to set sail
As I watch you hold on to that dirty hand rail!
Tell me do you believe in love at first sight?
As I hear the announcer say, ‘door’s open on the right.’

(Chorus)
It’s train love. Rolling down the track.
It’s train love. You can’t deny the simple fact.
We’ve never met before, but it’s ordained from up above.
It’s train love. It’s train love.

(Verse)
I want to kiss you and look deep into your eyes
But between us are a business woman and two homeless guys
Oh I wonder so much about you, fair maiden sharing my train car
Are you a local returning home, or have you traveled far?

(Chorus repeats)

(Verse)
I don’t mean to rush our love or move too fast,
I always knew something magical would come from buying a CTA pass
The train is noisy, but don’t you hear it?
Our hearts beat in sink, don’t dare fear it.

(Verse)
I promise i'll be a gentleman. Give you love and affection.
If you don't see me now i'll post later on craig's list's missed connections.
A love like ours is rare. Just look at me and give me a nod.
You are so damn cute listening to your Ipod.

(Chorus repeats)
It’s train love. My love will rise to the top.
It’s train love. Please oh please girl get off at my same stop.
We’ve never met before, but you’re all I’m thinking of.
It’s train love. It’s train love.

(Bridge)
I get off real soon and I want to hold you so close.
Wait, you're getting up. Oh no, your stop is montrose.
Dare I leave my seat and run after you to declare how i feel?
No. The fates have made their choice as I watch you from the window sill.

(Chorus)
It’s train breakin’ up. What greatness we could have been.
It’s train breakin’ up. Now my world’s all in a spin.
I’m like a beggar on the street with an empty change cup.
It’s train breakin’ up. It’s train breakin’ up.

(Verse)
How will I ever again find a love so strong.
The train mocks me as it keeps rolling along.
Oh hello there Ms. pink jacket who just sat across the aisle.
What great hair you have. And i assume what a great smile.

I just had my heartbroken, but you've shown me how i can love again.
My love for you, as long as this train goes, will never end.

(Chorus)

It’s train rebound love. I’ve already forgotten about that girl.
It’s train rebound love. You’re the only thing in my world.
We’ve never met before, but you’re all I’m thinking of.
It’s train rebound love. It’s train rebound love

My Blog and Why

2010-01-01T10:00:00.000-06:00

I am an actor/director/writer who loves to create and entertain. This blog will serve to help me share some of that creativity. In addition it will help me discipline myself in that with people reading this and looking forward to content I will be more apt to create that content.

For the first 100 days this blog will be used for posting song lyrics.

My challege to myself beginning 1/1/10 was to write song lyrics for a full song every day for 100 days. I'll back post all the ones currently written onto here.

Each day from now til day 100 I will post one song per day.

After the 100 days, I'm sure I'll find another way this blog can help me and others.

Thanks for reading,
Rich