High Fives! - Song#29

High Fives! by Rich Baker

(Chorus)
Hey there, new friend!
Let us high five.
Hey there ex-girlfriend.
We should high five.
Hey there celebrity
Can we high five?
Hi Mr. President.
An official high five.

It can be fun or neutral or mean nothing at all
You can do it in the board room or when you’re shooting ball
No need to worry. We all understand
It’s always okay to just slap hands.

Sometimes in life we don’t know the right thing to do
Should I hug this girl I just met when I say adieu.
Is a firm hand shake too much? That’s a hard call.
A wave or a bro’s hug? What’s the right protocol?

It’s so easy to do
And it’s always right
And has become acceptable
Even if you’re white

(Chorus)
Hey there Uncle Joe
Let us high five!
Hey there girl at Starbucks,
We can high five
It’s a sweet old lady
And we just high fived
A stranger at a bar when the team scored
It’s okay to high five!

Some girls are weird about hugging sometimes
And some won’t hug in front, only to the side
Some cultures bow and others kiss cheeks
If you don’t know what to do, just be discrete

Preempt the awkward and raise your right hand
Say something fun like, “Alright my man.”
No need to press noses or Eskimo kiss
The other alternative is to bump in your fists

(Chorus)
Hey there Mr. Mailman,
Let’s say ‘hi’ and high five
My neighbor taught his poodle
To paw up a high five
If I ever met Jesus
I bet we’d high five
And when the aliens come to greet us
I’ll try to high five

(Bridge)
Slap it! Shake it! Up or down!
Bump it! Nail it! Then lock it down!
Explode it! Implode it! Make your own sounds
Shoulder hit! Chest bump it! All over town.
There’re so many ways to greet
When people first meet
All variations and they’ll never be complete
I’m sure there are people who do it with their feet.

(Chorus)
Hey there corpse of John Wayne!
May we high five?
All you fictional characters,
Let’s all high five!
Guy who got his hand cut off
Let’s…elbow bump?
Boy in the bubble!
Understood high five!

Freezing/Sexy - Song #28

Freezing/Sexy by Rich Baker

Twelve degrees outside
Winds blowing and no sun in sight
Puddles along the ground are solid ice
None of it seems right

Little bit of snot frozen below your nose
Teary eyes hit by wind are bloodshot
Skin is dry and pale beyond repair
In this weather, no one looks hot

(Chorus)
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
My hand’s the icy touch of death
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
When I speak you get to see my breath

I might have a body under these four coats
Or a nice head of hair you can’t see with my cap
With longjohns, wind pants, and underarmour
I couldn’t feel it if you sat on my lap

Come over here and lets hold mittens
Snowboots high up to our knees
I’ll lean in to kiss you in front of the snowman
But now we’re stuck as our lips freeze

(Chorus)
I’m Freezin/Sexy, girl
In my puffy coat
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
One look at me, that’s all she wrote

(Bridge)
Why would anyone ever settle here?
Were the Indians just sick of moving west?
Let’s build a dome over the city
If they did that, I’d be impressed
I could have lived in Cali or Arizona
Of all the places, Chicago’s what I’ve chosen
Frigid from November thru May
It’s so cold, even the great lakes become frozen

(Chorus)
I’m Freezin/Sexy, girl
My ears are getting numb
I’m Freezing/Sexy, girl
I’ll lick you like a popsicle, gonna get me some

Oops…I Wrote A Pop Song - Song #27

Oops…I Wrote A Pop Song by Rich Baker

(Chorus)
Oops…I wrote a pop song
But I’ll never do it once. It’ll never happen twice
Oops…I wrote a pop song
If I make a video of this I’ll need someone tossing dice

I didn’t mean to put in fast talking verses
When and old timey hero gets mad he yells ‘Curses!’
When I wrote songs it’s usually a ballad or folk
The 11th president of the USA was James K. Polk

Pop songs are full of nonsensical rhyming phrases
If I were a detective I’d have unsolved cases
The words don’t matter nearly as much
If you’re from the Netherlands you are Dutch

(Chorus)
Oops…I wrote a pop song
It’s not usually my style. I’m no Jay-Z
Oops…I wrote a pop song
If Kevin Spacey were a rapper he’d be Kevin Spay-Z

(Bridge)
I swear it’s not what I normally do
But, girl I just need to get with you
I’m never usually trying to be hardcore
Somehow I’m here out on the dance floor

(Chorus)
Oops…I wrote a pop song
There’s no place for me to play guitar
Oops…I wrote a pop song
The bad guy in Aladdin was named Jafar
Oops…I wrote a pop song
The beats in the song are really bass-y
Oops…I wrote a pop song
I wanted a watch phone just like Dick Tracy
Oops…I wrote a pop song
To make music for this I use a synthesizer
Oops…I wrote a pop song
Old Faithful is an example of a geyser
Oops…I wrote a pop song
Influenced by Britney, Christina, and Timbelake
Oops…I wrote a pop song
Giving Chevy Chase a talk show was a mistake

A Great Man - Song #26

A Great Man by Rich Baker

(spoken)
This song is about a topic that many have written songs about before. It’s a song about a man. A man who changed the lives of millions. And although he can cause controversy sometimes, I believe his message is for us to all get along in peace. His earthly father raised him as best he cold despite knowing that he was not the boy’s real father.

This song is about a man who made the miraculous normal. He helped everyone he could. And his enemies wanted him dead at all cost.

This is a song about a man who stands for hope and freedom. A man who died only to come back from the grave in order to save us all. A man known by one symbol universally recognized by billions.

(singing begins)
You came to earth to save us
You came here to defend
We know of your strength
And you will fight to the very end

Some do not believe in you
Some think you’re a lie
Others love and worship you
And lift you up on high…because you can fly

(Chorus)
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
Better than the rest
My man Superman!
With the big ‘S’ on his chest

You fight Lex Luthor and Toyman
Brainiac, Bizarro, and Parasite
Occasionally you fight gods like Darkseid
And big brained apes like Ultra-Humanite

Your friends with all the Justice League
And closest with Batman Bruce Wayne
You keep an intergalactic zoo in your Fortress of Solitude
And you’re married to Lois Lane

(Chorus)
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
Who’s in the very best of shape
My man Superman!
Wearing that flowing red cape

(Bridge)
I know you’re not impossible to kill
Even though you are the man of steel
Kal-El from Krypton would never lose the fight
Unless poisoned from too much Kryptonite
Since 1938 you’ve fought fervently
Among the pages of comics from DC
You got too silly for a while with all different kinds
Of marriages and pets and sidekick story lines
But in the 80s just like a magic wand
Everything was fixed when you were retconned (RetCon or Retroactive Continuity means than an author intentionally alters facts once established for a work of serialized fiction)

(Chorus)
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
He’s the man, don’t you know?
My man Superman!
With a superdog at his side named Krypto
You know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Superman!
When it comes to heroes, he’s second to none
My man Superman!
Who gets strong absorbing up our yellow sun
Superman!

The Lottery - Song# 25

The Lottery by Rich Baker

The lottery keeps me lazy
Because I know there’s a chance
A chance to get all the money I want
Without putting on nice pants

Of course, I’d love to be rich
No need to work hard all the time
Savings and investments, forget it
I’ll go the easy route for my dime

(Chorus)
The lottery!
Millions of dollars just for me
The lottery!
All my troubles gone away
The lottery!
Spend it right and it’ll last
The lottery!
I’ll never work another day

Pick my numbers and then I hope
Use a system to up my odds
Chances are they’ll come up soon
Big houses, fine suits, hot rods

I’ll buy whatever I want to buy
No debt, no worry over bills
The stresses of life melt awy
Even if I get sick I can afford the pills

(Chorus)
The lottery!
More money than I can even count
The lottery!
Freedom from everything that binds
The lottery!
I can dream of it all day
The lottery!
I’ll own everything and all kinds

(Bridge)
Mo money, mo problems?
Yeah right. I’d like 56 million problems
I don’t wanna scrimp and save and earn
I wanna win so much I have money to burn
Every week a disappointment so far,
But I have my sights set on my new car
It’ll happen soon. I just has to
If I don’t win, I don’t know what I’ll do

The lottery!

Call My Phone - Song #24

Call My Phone by Rich Baker

Would you mind calling me?
I can’t find my phone you see.
When you call it I’ll know its location
Which will end my frustration

I lose my phone a lot I know
I just don’t know where it goes
It’s like it has legs and walks away
When that happens you’ll hear me say:

(Chorus)
Please call my phone!
Please call me now
I listen to the ring
And that will bring
Me closer to the phone.

I really hope I didn’t leave it on vibrate
If I did that would make me irate
If it didn’t make any sound
How would I ever get around?

(Chorus)
Please call my phone!
I wish you could call other things
Like when I lose my keys
Or my wallet, shoes, or my integrity
My phone’s the only object I can lose and it be okay

(Bridge)
I must find the phone soon
Life without my phone makes no sense
How will I text or call or check my email?
My apps won’t access themselves…Unless they make an app for that
What will I do if I can’t text while I walk?
I can’t check it during conversations. I’ll have to listen to people when they talk.
I won’t know the weather or sports scores.
Cell phones own us. They’re the pimps and we’re the whores

(Chorus)
Please call my phone
What’s my number? I don’t know.
That information is found in my phone
I feel like a dog without his bone
Or an ice cream without the cone
A banker without a loan
Rivers without a Joan
A garden without a gnome
Even E.T. needed to phone home.
So, somebody, please call my phone

Life of A Gargoyle - Song #23

Life of A Gargoyle by Rich Baker

Sit on a ledge all day
Sit on a ledge all day
Got no flesh or bones
Made outta stone
Sit on a ledge all day

I guard the catholic church
From the evils that might come
You just never know
What devil might show
Guarding all the church

Some gargoyles are animal
Some gargoyles are man
You look at me snd stare-ra
Because I am a Chimera
I’m meant to be ugly

I’m kind of a joke
Don’t scare too many folk
Ever since of what they did
A cartoon voiced by Keith David
Where I am a silly superhero

Sit on the ledge all day
Legs never stretch all day
I try not to weep
As my legs fall asleep
From not moving all day

I’m kinda evil looking
Like a ghost who’s out spooking
There’s all kinda trouble I get in
When I’m with my cousin
He’s a small and angry goblin

If someone could help me please
It won’t take much to ease
My bored mind
Just take the time
To give me checkers or something to read.

Sitting on the ledge all day
Sitting on the ledge all day
Not on a chair or a desk
But I’m still grotesque
Sitting on the ledge all day

Party Foul - Song# 22

Party Foul

It happens when you’re not thinking
It happens when you’ve been drinking
It happens when you’re trying to impress chicks
When it happens you look like a bag of dicks

(Chorus)
Party Foul!
The little moments that just aren’t cool
Party Foul!
When you wind up looking like a tool
Party Foul!
Yeah that just happened and it’s just sad
Party Foul!
Better apologize. Better say ‘my bad.’

Hanging at a party and you spill your beer
Try to franticly clean it up off a strange girl’s rear
In your panic you wind up making things worse
When you trip over her and she spills her purse

Take your friend’s car. Didn’t ask permission.
Drive it too hard and blow the transmission.
Push it back to his house just before dawn
Slip the keys back so he won’t know it was gone

When you’re in the bathroom doing you’re thing
And you notice there’s no toilet paper on the ring
So you decide it’d be okay to use your roommate’s towel
You best believe that’s a party foul.

Party Foul!

(Bridge)
Certain things you should just never do
And the one hurt the most will be you
So listen up and take my advice
The following are things that are never nice
Making out with you best friend’s ex
Party Foul!
Referring to your date as one of your projects
Party Foul!
Showing up to work when you’re contagious sick
Party Foul!
Hitting on chicks at the abortion clinic
Party Foul!

The moral of this story is that we all mess up
But just don’t be a douche and fess up
Just be cool and then you’ll be killing it
Or act like a tool all dumb and inconsiderate!

Party Foul!

Just Thoughts - Song #21

Just Thoughts by Rich Baker

What if angels were ugly?
But they were still majestic and musical
Would we still wanna be saved?
Would we turn down their homely miracle?

What if machine guns came in bright colors?
Like golden yellow or electric blue
Would war be more fun looking
Would you hate it less when I shot you?

(Chorus)
These are the random thoughts
Just thoughts floating in my head
Like cheerios floating in milk
Maybe they’re best left unsaid?

What if sex made you gassy?
Would we still want so much loving?
Only to spend the rest of the night
Under the covers with a Dutch oven?

What if chess pieces weighed fifty pounds each?
Then we gotta call it a sport now
No pencil necks pushing a pawn
Big muscled dudes pick up and put down…POW

(Chorus)
These are my pointless thoughts
Just thoughts falling down like rain
A drop or two hits my head sometimes
They vanish quickly never to remain

(Bridge)
What would life be like without knuckles?
Could I take more than one punch from Lou Ferigno?
Would cats sound smart if they could sing?
When God is bored does he do sudoku?

What if others knew about all these crazy thoughts?
Would they torch up and run me out of town?
I better keep all of these to myself
So, I’ll just remember to never write them down.

(Chorus)
These are my silly thoughts
They don’t mean a damn thing
Just thoughts flying through space
Like comets and debris and saturn’s rings

Virus! - Song #20

Virus! - by Rich Baker

You can’t see me. You can’t here me.
But I’m right there.
C’mon, let’s dance
I’m what everyone hates to share

I’ll make you stay at home, but have no fun
You’ll wanna be productive but nothing will get done
At best you’re on the couch rerun programs
And you can’t laugh cause of your swollen glands

It’s your last sick day for the year
So tomorrow you have no choice
Wake up and tough it out at work
With your clammy hands and raspy voice

Your weekend is toast
Your vacation a wreck
It’s all your fault that
Everyone is upset

Come a little closer
Give a little kiss
I like to spread around
Nobody do I wanna miss

I make your nose so runny
Your head is achy
You try and try and try to sleep
But you can’t breathe. Wakey. Wakey.

(Chorus)
I am a virus. I only have one mission.
A virus. Put you into submission
No antibiotics or drugs will work
Just one of many viral perks

I don’t care that you hate me
So, you better just listen
I can tear you up and inside out
Working my way throughout your system

I’m causing pain and I’m out for blood
And you better know I’m causing you hell
I have to find my way all up in you
Cause I can only replicate inside your cells

(Chorus)
I’m a virus and I’m hitting you hard
I’m a virus. It says so on my business card
I’m a virus and I’ll make you squirm
I’m a virus. Can’t get rid of my germs.

I’m a virus!

Hard Nose Cop - Song #19

Hard Nose Cop by Rich Baker

Putting bad guys away is what I do
Got me a badge. Got me a gun.
I work nights when crime is high.
When you’re warm at home, my shift’s just begun.

Another crime scene. Another dead girl.
The chief is pissed. Bodies piling up.
The case is stressing everyone out.
Keeping awake with coffee. I’m on my third cup.

(Chorus)
I’m a hard nose cop
I am worth all the hype
A detective with an attitude
A walking stereotype

I go home by 4AM to my dismal house
Laundry’s piling up around the room
Old pizza boxes and a few beer cans
Could stand some cleaning and a vacuum

I’m up to my ears in paperwork
Divorced seven times so far
Bad knees, bad back, bad cholesterol
Burger King wrappers all over my car

(Chorus)
I’m a hard nose cop
Two days of scruff and a raspy voice
I get the job done
Like I was born into this with no choice

(Bridge)
Loose Cannon, Crazy Cowboy
Too many titles to tell
I’ll probably break some chick’s heart
And the captain will start to yell

No glits and glamour for me
Just time off the clock with a beer
Married to the job, busting heads
And the captain yell’s, “Get your ass in here!”

Captain Average - Song #18

Captain Average by Rich Baker

Some people are really tall
Some are really thin
Some have really long hair
Some have darker skin

People come in all different shapes
And several different personalities
Me? I help anchor it all in place
I’m the average of all of these

(Chorus)
I’m the average white man
I won’t stand out in a crowd
Five foot eleven, short thinning hair
Not too soft, not too loud
No crazy scars, no tatoos
Not overweight, not muscled up
Not horribly ugly
By no means a handsome stud
I’m Mr. Average
I’m Mr. Average

For a long time I was bothered,
I was quite mad
I wanted to be bigger and better looking
Angered at my mom and my dad

Why’m I not taller
or have a real deep voice?
I’d have millions of dollars or dunk a basketball
If it were my choice.

I thought I was a no one
Nothing of consequence
Just an average dude
Always on the defense

Then one day I realized
I wasn’t gonna change
My statistics are what they are
No trade for a new body, no exchange

So, instead of spending time wishing
And dreaming about what I’m not
I embraced my normal regularness
And make the most of what I got

(Chorus)
I’m Captain Average
Not a superhero at all
I’m Captain Average
Not too short or too tall
I’m Captain Average
And I’ll be the best one I can be
I’m Captain Average
This acceptance sets me free
I’m Captain Average
I’m Captain Average

Sure I still have a thought now and then
Running in the touchdowns in the NFL
Or even the president in D.C.
Or flying spaceships. What the hell?

But no longer do those thoughts make me bitter
Or cause me any pain
Cause I’m doing just fine
I got no reason to complain

I’m Captain Average!
I’m Captain Average!

Cuddling - Song #17

Cuddling by Rich Baker

I can’t cuddle you when I’m asleep.
My body doesn’t work that way
To fall asleep I can’t be touching you
I’ll need you to move yourself away

As romantic as I wanna be this can’t happen
Sinatra’s on the radio crooning
Candles are lit and we feel the warmth
We can face each other or we can be spooning

But it can’t last forever, I’m sorry, girl
It’s not that I don’t wanna caress your face
I love sharing moments looking in your eyes
But I gotta go to sleep now and I need my space

(Chorus)
I can’t cuddle and hold you all night
This isn’t a matter of wrong or right
And it won’t help if I’m counting sheep
Cause I can’t hold you and still fall asleep

You can talk about your feelings
Or tell me all about your day
I’ll take you out to dinner
Or stay home and make you a filet

I’ll be there to listen when you’re down
You’re like my princess who doesn’t wear a crown
Make you laugh when you’re upset
Take you dancing in your red evening gown

(Chorus)
But I can’t cuddle you while I’m sleeping
I need to be separated while I’m dreaming
I’m seriously. There won’t be anymore.
Try to touch me again I’ll push you onto the floor.

(Bridge)
Is it too much to ask to have my own space at night?
I won’t ask you again. I’m ‘bout to be impolite.
I swear you’re clinging to me like a parasite!
You’re like a moth and I’m a 90 watt light!
You’re like a cuddle eating monster with a huge apetite
I bet you blog about cuddling on your website
You’re squeezing so hard I feel like Han Solo encased in carbonite
Like a vampire searching for a victim to bite
I’m about to explode just like dynamite
I may stab you with a pencil made of graphite
In the morning our bodies can reunite

Get away from me.
Get your grabby hands away from me
Don’t you dare press yourself against me
Tonight there’s no more cuddling

Cursed Words - Song #16

Cursed Words by Rich Baker

Since the dawn of man when we learned to walk upright
Communication has separated us from the animals
Stringing together common sounds. A miracle of the human spirit.
Consonants and vowels allowing us to share our thoughts.

But some words are bad
Some words are just not polite
They should not be spoken
They feed into your evil appetite

It’s okay to say, ‘heck,’ ‘frik,’ and ‘gee whiz.’
They are acceptable in all situations
But changing certain letters in these words
Makes for verbal abominations

(chorus)
They are cursed words
Cursed words
The kind that should never be heard
Cursed words
Cursed words

It’s okay to talk about your shin
But don’t you even dare
Replace that ‘n’ with a ‘t’
Or I’ll give you the evil glare

You can pluck the duck in your truck
But no way can you put the ‘f’ in.
And adding mother in front of it
Will not happen in church. Amen

(Chorus)
That’s what makes them cursed words
Cursed words
Just like every other word, but worse
Cursed words
Cursed words

In centuries past man believed in magic
Certain word combinations would unlock the spells
Abbra cadabra, hocus pocus, and hallejulah
Some brought on heaven and others brought on hell

Don’t try to say country without the tree
Don’t get bigger with an ‘n.’
So many words we’re not allowed to use
I barely know where to freakin’ begin.

But isn’t it time to realize that they’re just what they are
No magic. No devils or angels. Nothing but sounds
We can say some, but not the others.
Does this make you mad these rules are still around?

(Bridge)
When I’m mad I say:
Awww gee, that’s a bunch of Heckfire.
I mean Cheese & Rice, you son of a gun.
Crap dang it! That’s bullcorn!
Oh heavens, you jerk.
I’m both peeved and ticked off
Thanks to that witchy woman
Aww nuts! That’s a bunch of fooey and poppycock
My fiddlesticks! That’s dadgum, bloody balderdash!

(Chorus)
Don’t you dare say those cursed words
Much more dirty than regular words
Don’t say ‘em around kids or on the radio
Those tiny unassuming cursed words
Those dadburn cursed words!

I Don't Have to Rhyme - Song #15

I Don’t Have to Rhyme by Rich Baker

While writing my lyrics I spend much of my time
Searching for words with near or perfect rhyme
The thought occurred to me as I sat typing away
What if I didn’t rhyme at least just today?

Not all the great song writers use rhyme in all their songs.
It’s not like mathematics. No absolute rights or wrongs.
So, for just this once I’m going to attempt
To not rhyme and see how it all finishes

(Chorus)
I don’t have to use rhymes
Brother can you spare a nickel?
I don’t have to use a rhyme
It’s not like I’m committing a misdemeanor

My dog likes to eat his kibble and bits
I like my girls with contoured faces
When I was sixteen I drove a truck
I’d get a girl inside and all night we’d drive around

(Chorus)
I don’t have to rhyme when I write a verse
But when I get mad I yell and use expletives
I never have to use rhyme when I write
Vampires love to take a walk around the neighborhood

I’m an average-sized guy. My friend is bigger
His name is Jerome and he’s one crazy gentleman
My other friend Hiep always makes me think
He loves math. He’s definitely a smart individual

My girlfriend made me watch Lilo and Stitch
I like her a lot, but she can be a real immature person
When her and I communicate we try to be up front
But when she doesn’t talk to me I call her a silenty silent pants

(Chorus)
No, I don’t have to rhyme
Up a mountain I will maneuver
I don’t have to rhyme at all
It makes me feel good like a tingle on my soul

Frozen Pizza - Song #14

Frozen Pizza by Rich Baker

Had a hard day
Back is tired
Feet are sore
I’m a bit wired

Bus is crowded
Sardines in a can
Weather’s cold
I’m a sad sad man

But one thing is good
Keeps a smile on my face
Waitin’ for me at home
When I’m done with the rat race…

(Chorus)
At home I got me a frozen pizza
Never any stress and it’s ready to greet ya
Spinach and mushroom it’s nice to meet ya
Gonna cook me up a frozen pizza

So many flavors
My favorite food item
It’s universal
Everybody likes ‘em

All you need is a pizza pan
Some Pam spray or butter
An oven and twenty minutes
Take it out and use your pizza cutter

(Chours)
Calling my name is a frozen pizza
Maybe I’ll invite over my friend Rita
We’ll sit-a on the couch-a and then eat-a
The deliciousness of my frozen pizza

(Bridge)
I could make one from scratch, but that’s too much work
The frozen ones are simple and taste so great
I could order one, but that costs money
Frozen pizza, you may be my soul mate

(Chorus)
Sitting in my freezer is a frozen pizza
Got veggies and cheese and different meats-a
I work hard and it’s my treats-a
I love to think about my frozen pizza

The Butterfly Effect - Song #13

The Butterfly Effect by Rich Baker

When a small butterfly flew thru the sky
A small patch of air pushed away
It blew in a frog’s eye and then the eye got dry
Much to frog’s dismay

Distracted by this, the frog must’ve missed
The tasty fly going by
So it wasn’t eaten and just went on being
A regular foresty fly.

Just past a pond it landed on
An angry wolf’s jowl
The wolf shook its face to make the fly go away
The wolf then let out a growl

Another wolf to his right opened his eyes
He was asleep up til now
He was perturbed, b/c his snooze was disturbed
So he let out a howl

Hearing the wolf cry from up on the sky
An owl was flying past
The owl flew with ease over the trees
And she was moving quite fast

A mouse in the dirt afraid to get hurt
Tried to stay out of the light
So, it dug a hole bumped into a mole
And ran back into the night

As the mouse ran he began
To feel the warmth from ahead
There so inspired was a camp fire
A human was making a bed

The man had a sleeping bag
He would sleep under the stars
The mouse ran by. The man jumped high
And he jumped back in his car

Deciding not to camp there was the man
Driving to a hotel instead
He got a key then went to sleep
Comfy on a king bed

When he got that room the hotel now was full
No more rooms to be had
The hotel clerk who hated to work
Decided to take a nap

The front desk phone rang, but this didn’t change
The snoring employee
The guy calling the phone was starting to groan
He was calling to get something to eat.

With no answer at all to his phone call
The man didn’t know what to do
Not in a good mood just wanting food
His hunger grew and grew

The man was unfed, but he went to bed
Awoke the next day with an angry face
So hungry by now he could eat a cow
He went down to the donut place

He ordered a dozen straight from the oven
Ate them on the way to his meeting
He was happy to share with the people there
What a pleasant greeting

The meeting went well, everyone swell
All were getting a long
As it let out a lady had found
That she was humming a song

She hummed it all day and along the way
Another man heard her humming
The tune got stuck in his brain as he got on a plane
He noticed his fingers were drumming

He drummed with his feet and his hands on the seat
Keeping a nice rhythm
The girl next to him felt the rhythm
And she drummed a long with him

As the plane landed the girl handed
The man her business card
And she hand wrote a line, “call me anytime”
The held that in regard

The girl drove back to Fon Du Lac
Up in the state of Wisonsin
A week went by. She started to cry.
The man never called like she wanted.

Still wanting to sob she went to her job
Down at the local library
She was quite upset right at her desk
Eating on machino cherries.

Normally happy, now kind of sappy
The lady stared at the wall
For a long while she would not smile
Wanting to forget it all

A boy of just twelve went to ask for some help
Hoping to get some advice
He went up to the counter her crying got louder
She would look in his eyes

The boy walked away unsure what to say
So he walked out the library door
Stuck in a lurch, he’d done no research
He was information poor

So, now I hope you see the scope
Of all the crazy events
The boy could not get what he needed
To complete the homework assignment

As you can see, that boy was me
I hope my tale wasn’t too dreary
And all that is why someone as diligent as I
Couldn’t do my paper on Chaos Theory

Blackman - Song #12

Blackman by Rich Baker (to the tune of Blackbird by The Beatles)*

(*Note* My goal with these songs are not to do parody songs. However, I feel this one is meaningful and works perfectly with a song I happen to love. There will probably be very few of these. This may be the only song I write that is a 'parody' song.)

Blackman walking down my street at night
I am so afraid he’s got a knife
And he’ll try
To rob me and to stab me which will end my life

Black man walked up to me at night
Take these wallet and watch and leave me be
Don’t take my life
Did you just break out of prison and now you are free?

Black man at night, Black man at night
Irrationally afraid just because I am white

That black man is fine. The black man’s fine.
I’m racist and weak and I know that’s not right

Black man walking down my street at night
Instead of looking down I’ll decide
To say, ‘Hi.’
We are still waiting for this racism to die
We should look at this world with some brand new eyes
We should all be better and that would be wise

You’re On The List (A Petty Man’s Anthem) - Song #11

You’re On The List (A Petty Man’s Anthem) by Rich Baker

Hey you, the guy who turned me down for a job
And you, the lady who didn’t hold the elevator door
Mr. Bartender who accidentally overcharged me once
And you the neighbor who’s dog craps on my lawn

You don’t wanna cross me.
I don’t seem like much right now.
I won’t get angry
Or say anything to you out loud

Instead I’ll just keep a tab
And remember it forever
All ties I have with you
I will sever

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

And one day when I become rich and powerful
I will not help you at all
I won’t cast you in any of my movies
I’ll never let you sleep in my home

I won’t pull over if you have a flat tire
No way I’ll be your phone a friend on a game show
If you’re choking, hope someone else knows the Heimlich
And I won’t let you borrow a pen either, because…

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

And one day when I’m real important
You can’t meet any of my famous friends
No special thank you’s at my Grammy acceptance speech
No favors, no second chances, I won’t bend

If you’re poor, I won’t give you a nickel
If you’re hurt I won’t come to your aid
If the zombie apocalypse happens and we’re the only two people left on earth I will not share with you my food rations that I’ve saved up knowing that the it was a matter of ‘when’ and not ‘if’ the zombies kill us all. You’re on your own.

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

(Bridge)
To the coffee shop girl who won’t flirt back
You’re on the list
The kid in 7th grade who stole my hacky sack
You’re on the list
The teacher who mispronounced my name and apologized. I know you’re not really sorry.
You’re on the list
To the guy who refused my facebook friend request just cause we’d never met
You’re on the list
To Oprah Winfrey, b/c I couldn’t get tickets to see her show
You’re on the list
To the makers of Weight Gainer, b/c I didn’t get buff after drinking two shakes
You’re on the list
To the mailman who lost a letter once and I got it a day late
You’re on the list
To every hot chick I didn’t have the guts to ask out. How dare you intimidate me.
You’re on the list
To the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning so many superbowls. Ever hear of sharing?
You’re on the list
To magicians for not telling me how their tricks are done. I’m so curios.
You’re on the list
To anyone who made fun of me for preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse
You’re on the list
To the makers of post-it notes for making them too small for me to fit my whole list on one
You’re on the list
To everyone who isn’t enjoying this song right now
You’re all on the damn list!

I Guess This Song Makes Me A Dirty Hippie - Song #10

I Guess This Song Makes Me A Dirty Hippie by Rich Baker

I’m not a big fan of capitalism
With some of my friends this causes a schism
I think the system’s busted and needs a fix
And that’s why friends hate to discuss politics

I’ve got the unpopular view
The one held by the few
And many will probably be surprised
That I think drugs should be legalized

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must hang out in record stores and quote Kerouac
It means I dance in the woods and write bad poetry
I simply must be all of this if I say these things. It’s just a fact.

Sex is legal but only if it’s for free
Or in a few Nevada counties
Porn is legal too and the actors get paid
So you better have a camera if you’re paying to get laid

Why do some think America is always right?
Those who don’t wear uniforms want others to go and fight
In the 1940s we gave Israel some land
And the Arabs were a bit mad. Can you believe the nerve of them?

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must sleep on the ground and listen to Phish
It has to mean I smoke pot and don’t bathe
There are no two ways about it. That is it.

Drugs could be taxed and help the country out of debt
But the thought still makes too many upset
Marijuana doesn’t cause us to kill, rape, and steal.
Do people still believe “Refer Madness” was for real?

(Bridge 1)
I Guess These Thoughts Make me a dirty hippy
Because I don’t support the wars
Because I believe you should have rights even if you’re a whore
Because our basic freedoms are all ignored
Because lives are destroyed on the trading room floor
Because you’re a lesser citizen if you happen to be poor
Because there are so many things I think are not okay
But at least we can sleep knowing you can’t get married if you’re gay

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must own tie-die shirts and dread lock hair
It has to mean I don’t listen to other points of view
It’s completely black and white. No grey area

I’m not blaming anyone individually
For all the problems and instability
Every one of us have said, “Let them eat cake.”
It’s not just one act, but a culmination of mistakes

Just keep quiet don’t say a word
Pretend no injustices have ever occurred
You can’t speak out. Just play along.
Hell, I’m even hesitant to post the lyrics to this song

(Chorus)
I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie
I must always to go concerts and never pay rent
It has to mean I don’t tip at restaurants
Must be one way or another. How convenient

(Bridge 2)
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate you if we don’t agree
I won’t make fun or threaten or push my views on anybody
It’s okay to get your thoughts out. Go and speak your mind.
We shouldn't hate each other over it. We’re all just mankind
I don’t want love rallies and constant hugging in the streets
How ‘bout just getting everyone shelter and something to eat?
Am I guilty for not doing enuff on my part?
Hell yes, b/c lifting a finger for others is way too hard.

I guess this song makes me a dirty hippie.
I guess it really does…
So…Peace, man.