You’re On The List (A Petty Man’s Anthem) - Song #11

You’re On The List (A Petty Man’s Anthem) by Rich Baker

Hey you, the guy who turned me down for a job
And you, the lady who didn’t hold the elevator door
Mr. Bartender who accidentally overcharged me once
And you the neighbor who’s dog craps on my lawn

You don’t wanna cross me.
I don’t seem like much right now.
I won’t get angry
Or say anything to you out loud

Instead I’ll just keep a tab
And remember it forever
All ties I have with you
I will sever

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

And one day when I become rich and powerful
I will not help you at all
I won’t cast you in any of my movies
I’ll never let you sleep in my home

I won’t pull over if you have a flat tire
No way I’ll be your phone a friend on a game show
If you’re choking, hope someone else knows the Heimlich
And I won’t let you borrow a pen either, because…

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

And one day when I’m real important
You can’t meet any of my famous friends
No special thank you’s at my Grammy acceptance speech
No favors, no second chances, I won’t bend

If you’re poor, I won’t give you a nickel
If you’re hurt I won’t come to your aid
If the zombie apocalypse happens and we’re the only two people left on earth I will not share with you my food rations that I’ve saved up knowing that the it was a matter of ‘when’ and not ‘if’ the zombies kill us all. You’re on your own.

(Chorus)
You’re on the list
And that ain’t a good thing
You’re on the list
You should just pack up and move
You’re on the list
Better get down on your knees and beg
You’re on the list
You’ll never work in this town again

(Bridge)
To the coffee shop girl who won’t flirt back
You’re on the list
The kid in 7th grade who stole my hacky sack
You’re on the list
The teacher who mispronounced my name and apologized. I know you’re not really sorry.
You’re on the list
To the guy who refused my facebook friend request just cause we’d never met
You’re on the list
To Oprah Winfrey, b/c I couldn’t get tickets to see her show
You’re on the list
To the makers of Weight Gainer, b/c I didn’t get buff after drinking two shakes
You’re on the list
To the mailman who lost a letter once and I got it a day late
You’re on the list
To every hot chick I didn’t have the guts to ask out. How dare you intimidate me.
You’re on the list
To the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning so many superbowls. Ever hear of sharing?
You’re on the list
To magicians for not telling me how their tricks are done. I’m so curios.
You’re on the list
To anyone who made fun of me for preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse
You’re on the list
To the makers of post-it notes for making them too small for me to fit my whole list on one
You’re on the list
To everyone who isn’t enjoying this song right now
You’re all on the damn list!